Star Wars Survivor
by Deneveon
Summary: Throw in a crazed host, sci-fi characters, a desert island, and a wierd author, what do you get? The ultimate SURVIVOR game! 16 Star Wars characters, over 16 chapters 1 host and 1 author, and you don't even have to do the math! CHAPTER 13 UP
1. Finally, something worth laughing over f...

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STAR WARS SURVIVOR  
  
***  
  
Boring Disclaimer that I have to Put Here so I Won't Get in Trouble: Okay, so here goes. I don't own Star Wars, CBS, Survivor, Mark Burnett, Annie Robinson, or any of the characters that are here, except maybe Jeft Proast and a few other guys. They all belong to their respective owners (duh), blah, blah, blah.  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: I am a Star Wars fan (duh again), and a Survivor fan, and an author with no hope of getting into the New York Times bestseller list. (I don't own THAT either.) I wasn't very good at humor lists, and I love writing regular fiction, and I do want to become a humorist, like Dave Barry (This guy is cool! I don't own him too), so what did I come up with? I crazy story called Star Wars Survivor. And just in case you were wondering, I did NOT want Richard to win in the first, Tina rules in the second, and no, Ethan shouldn't have won in the third. Hope you enjoy this! **THIS IS AN UPDATED AND REWRITED VERSION OF THE ORIGINAL.**  
  
*** (I use a lot of asterisks, don't I? And you'll be seeing TONS more of these babies.)  
  
Ah, Survivor. The ultimate challenge. Hey! Get off my sack!  
  
Hey Mom! What do you think… Star Wars Survivor?  
  
*Still putting clothes in dryer.* That's great honey.  
  
And I'll make a weird, short-tempered host!  
  
That's great, honey.  
  
This is perfect! Now I won't be humiliated like on those failed lists earlier!  
  
That's great honey. Dinner's ready.  
  
And yes, that is what this fic is all about. Sixteen Star Wars characters trapped on an island for maybe less than 20 chapters. Get set for my debut, Internet! Even Dave Barry would've been proud!  
  
Characters: (Duh, What's a story without characters?!)  
  
Luke Skywalker: the all-knowing Jedi Master  
  
Mara Jade Skywalker: his loving wife who can really throw a punch  
  
Darth Vader: a really odd father who can't play catch  
  
Emperor Palpatine: who needs make-up?  
  
Han Solo: ah, the famous smuggler who got married to a princess  
  
  
  
Leia Solo: ah, the former Chief of State who had three kids who all got kidnapped periodically  
  
  
  
Jaina Solo: the Jedi who became Rogue Squadron's best pilot  
  
  
  
Jacen Solo: the Jedi who couldn't decide  
  
  
  
Anakin Solo: the Jedi who got killed but he won't admit it  
  
  
  
Obi-Wan Kenobi: mentor, friend and fellow ghost (hi, Yoda!)  
  
Nom Anor: executor for the Yuuzhan Vong who's got tattoos all over  
  
Chewbacca: Han Solo's first mate (and best friend, mind you)  
  
Boba Fett: a bounty hunter (what did you expect?)  
  
Borsk Fey'lya: a politician who likes the Jedi only when he can use it for the people's support  
  
Gavin Darklighter: Rogue Squadron's leader, who's more than your average tempered guy  
  
Jabba the Hutt: he's a Hutt, he's a Hutt, he's big and slimey he's our man, if he can't do it, everyone else can  
  
And of course, a game show's not a game show's without the host: guess who? It's Jeft Proast!  
  
Jeft Proast: a guy who really looks like Jeff Probst but has a really short temper and wants a new manager  
  
So there you go. Got it? Hope you did, because er… AHHHH! BRAINFREEZE!!!  
  
*stops for a moment then continues drinking her Slurpee from 7-11.*  
  
So, why don't you go over to the next chapter while I go over to Wal-Mart to get a new Rams jersey? Okey-dokey? Super. Peace out! Er… that was sucky. Uh, let me try again. GO TO THE NEXT CHAPTER NOW. NOW!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
Hey, you're supposed to be reading the next chapter!!!! 


	2. The Adventure Begins (Oh no, I lost my t...

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CHAPTER TWO: The Updated Version  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: I have updated this chapter because of all its mistakes. When you read the next chapter please ignore the "author's note" on top. Thanks… hope you enjoy this! By the way, there's something wrong with the computer I'm using, so the words that are supposed to be italicized are instead capitalized. Hehe… I like saying stuff with a lot of "zees." Zee…zed, zoud… oh, sorry. On with the show! Er, fic!  
  
***  
  
Ah, Survivor. The ultimate parody. Or is it?  
  
The yacht carrying the contestants swam…erm… landed? Waded? Whatever. Arrived at the deserted island that was to be home to 16 people George Lucas created for the next undecided number of chapters.  
  
Jeft Proast, the ever-knowing host, lined up the contestants for checking and briefing. Of course, he was grumbling as he did this. What'd you expect? I mean, if I were a guy (which, thankfully, I am not) who looked exactly like Jeff Probst but had to host a bunch of made-up people, I would grumble too, actually.  
  
"Okay, people…uh, contestants! Luke Skywalker!" he called. The Jedi Master walked up. "What's your luxury item?"  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"You're gonna be stuck on an island with fifteen other people. And you're gonna be allowed to bring something you don't usually find on a desert island. What's yours?"  
  
He thought for a moment. "I am Jedi. Jedi do not need luxury."  
  
Jeft was slightly annoyed by this. "Look, Skywalker, just pick something out, okay?"  
  
"What shall I 'pick out'?"  
  
"I don't know, that's up to you!"  
  
"Why am I on this island?"  
  
Now, Proast was REALLY mad. I mean, MAD! Not the magazine Mad, just plain mad! "Did you read the pamphlet on your seat, Luke?"  
  
"No, I did not. I was meditating, readying myself for this journey ahead of me."  
  
Jeft rolled his eyes. He did not like standing here, sweating, his armpits beginning to stink, and his deodorant thousands of miles away from him. Jeez, I should have brought some shaving cream, too!  
  
"You were supposed to read it."  
  
"Well, I didn't."  
  
"It was announced on board, you idiot!"  
  
"I am not an idiot. I am Jedi."  
  
"I don't care what you are!" Proast almost shouted, waving his hands and arms in the air, exasperated.  
  
Luke waved back and smiled. "It is nice to be welcomed."  
  
"For goodness' sake! Just tell me what you want to bring!"  
  
"May I bring my laptop?" He motioned towards his knapsack.  
  
"Your WHAT?"  
  
"My laptop. I do not like repeating things, Proast."  
  
"You're a STAR WARS character! You're NOT supposed to HAVE a laptop! What are you, Bill Gates or something?"  
  
"Who's Bill Gates?"  
  
"OKAY! OKAY! Fine! You can bring your laptop! Go over there!"  
  
"I sense anger in you. Anger is of the…"  
  
Darth Vader rolled his eyes, thought no one could see him do it through his mask. In the very James Earl Jones voice, he continued for Luke, "The Dark Side! We know, son! We know! Now get one with it!"  
  
Luke turned to face his father. "Dad! I am very disappointed in you! I'm putting you in that anger management class as SOON as we get to Coruscant!" He stalked over to his designated spot, and when he did, everyone sighed.  
  
The Luke's voice was heard again. "Ah! Where's my lightsaber?"  
  
"It's here, honey," Mara said, producing her husband's weapon.  
  
"Oh," Jeft said calmly, recovered from his wave of anger. "No weapons of any sort allowed." He glanced at a looming Wookiee and a fat Hutt. "No slave girls, no using the Force. If you violate these rules, you will be disqualified."  
  
A "Hey! That's not fair!" could be heard, but the speaker had gone unnoticed, for the most part.  
  
Jabba grunted, and soon protests were roaring until Jeft called for order. He had to shout through the noise. "IF YOU DON'T LISTEN TO THE HOST EITHER, YOU ARE ALSO DISQUALIFIED!"  
  
Everyone quieted down.  
  
"Mrs. Skywalker, what's your luxury item?"  
  
"My book. 'Surviving Motherhood.'"  
  
Trying to be friendly, he asked, "Ah. How's your son, Ben?"  
  
"Doing well. Now get on with it."  
  
"Yes ma'am."  
  
It went quietly, then, with Emperor Palpatine bringing his toothbrush, Vader bringing his asthma breather, Jaina Solo bringing a survival kit, Jacen a book called, '101 Ways to be a Jedi'.  
  
Han brought an army knife, which was allowed for some strange reason. Leia brought a brush, a necessity.  
  
Obi-Wan brought some hair gel, Gavin Darklighter, the only sensible one, brought some paint, Jabba the Hutt brought a mirror, and Boba Fett brought a… Game Boy Advance?  
  
Borsk Fey'lya brought his Palm Pilot. Rich.  
  
Anakin Solo brought an old HoloVid thing, one that needed tinkering.  
  
"Now that you've all been checked, you will be divided into two teams. Sandburrow and Norub. You've been assigned to your specific teams, so go."  
  
Now, I'm a lazy writer. Fast-forward to Chapter Three, please!  
  
*** 


	3. It's The First Chapter of the Rest of Th...

**  
  
*  
  
CHAPTER THREE: They Actually Spent a Night as a Team!  
  
**  
  
Author's Note: I have made some minor changes, like Luke gets to bring him laptop and Darth Vader brings an asthma thing. The team order is also different, so I guess I'll have to change Chapter Two, soon, two. I mean too. I was sort of in a hurry to write this, so please excuse typos like tis. Enpoy!  
  
**  
  
The early morning sunlight stung every person's—or creature's—eyes, or whatever organ they used to see. Team One, made up of the sinister Darth Vader a.k.a. the former (or future) Anakin Skywalker, Mara Jade and her husband, Luke Skywalker, Anakin Solo, the Yuuzhan Vong Nom Anor, the famous Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jacen Solo and Mara's former master, Emperor Palpatine himself, was awaken by Jeft Proast in the wee hours of the morning.  
  
"Survivors of Team One!" He shouted through the hills. "You'd better wake up now or else you're all disqualified!"  
  
As soon as those words left his mouth, hurried feet rustling through the sand was heard all around, coming from the Sandborrow tribe. Jeft quickly strode towards their camp.  
  
He eyed the sleepy fictional characters. "Has anyone here watched the real Survivor series?"  
  
All heads shook from side to side. Fur and hair were swayed by the wind hollowing through the mountains. (Wait a minute, this is supposed to be humor, right? Oh, sorry. I'm getting into my 'serious writer' mood.) Nom Anor's tatoos were… ah… glimmering in the morning sun.  
  
Jeft rolled his eyes. Why couldn't he be like Regis Philbin, huh? He had to be a lowly host who had nothing else in life but explain a game to some fictional Star Wars characters. "Well, you'll get mail on a specific day of the week," he started, pointing to a nearby bamboo tree. "There will be a letter, in the form of a riddle, or if our producers get writer's block, it will just be a normal letter, announcing a challenge, or usually Tribal Council."  
  
Mumblings were exchanged throughout the group. Jacen finally spoke up. "Er, Mr. Roast?"  
  
"It's Proast."  
  
"Oh, yeah. Proast. What's Tribal Council?"  
  
Jeft wanted to rip all the hair off his head. This was getting very annoying, explaining the rules to a bunch of sci-fi people. No, some of them weren't even people! "There are two sorts of challenges. A reward challenge, where you obviously compete for a reward. Then there's the immunity challenge, where you compete, as a team, for immunity."  
  
Before anyone spoke up, he continued. "The team which looses the immunity challenge will have to go to Tribal Council. There the team will vote off one of its members."  
  
"If you still don't get the rules," he said with a renewed exasperation, "then I can't do anything 'bout it."  
  
"Isn't that unethical, Proast?" Luke interjected. "Inviting us to a game, then not telling us the rules?"  
  
Jeft was steaming, but since he was on TV, and if he had any chance of running for president one day, he might as well keep his cool.  
  
"If you got any questions, then ask me. Okay," he rubbed his palms together. "Come with me and I'll give you your first taste of a real challenge."  
  
The clearing was paved with grass, and the Sandburrow members could already see the Norub members fidgeting in their places, impatient and eager for this challenge.  
  
"Now, this is an immunity challenge," he said, pointing to two coconut trees opposite each other. "The goal is to eat as many coconuts as you can whithin the time limit. The catch is, you'll have to run up that tree…"  
  
"Oh, Chewie's good at that," Han whispered to his wife, who was already conspiring against the other team.  
  
"…then you'll have to break open the fruits, eat up EVERYTHING that is inside, then dump its shell or whatever its called into a hole in the ground that you'll have to dig." He saw crooked smiled all around, and figured they were already cooking up ways to win this. "By the way, when you get the coconut you'll have to bring it down, too. Only one nut at a time."  
  
"Okay, on your mark…" Obviously Sandburrow had a different strategy than Norub. Instead of a this-is-your-job-and-this-is-my-job sort of thing, they had decided to do it by taking turns. Luke went first.  
  
"Get set…" If any of them wanted to play this game cleanly at first, then right now any one who had that feeling lost that feeling.  
  
"Go!" Chewbacca ran up their coconut tree just as fast as a jawa could fall from it. Luke, on the other had, was struggling up, while at the same time getting a scolding from his father, clothed in the dark robes and breathing device.  
  
"Luke Sywalker! What are you doing? Get up there this instant!" Darth Vader's voice was low and crisp. "Didn't your mother ever teach you how to climb a tree? Or at least your father?!" He slowed down, and grumbled a faint, "Oh. Never mind."  
  
By the time Luke snatched a fruit, Chewbacca had already grabbed another one. While Luke struggle to open his, Jacen climbed up, and his echoing self-encouragements could barely be heard. Must… get… coconut!" He finally reached the peak, and grasped a fruit. He lost his balance and fell.  
  
"Hey kid," Gavin Darklighter shouted. "Haven't you ever heard of the 'Balance Point'?"  
  
"Ha, ha, very funny. He looked away from his mother's team as he spotted his sister trying to keep her laughter in. She wasn't doing a very good job at it.  
  
"It's by Kathy Tyers!" Gavin roared. The buzzer sounded, and Jeft's voice boomed on a megaphone. "Okay, that's it, people!"  
  
He walked over to Norub's hole. Apparently their strategy had worked. "Seven coconuts," he said, keeping a mental track of the team's score.  
  
Striding over to Sandburrow's hole, which was quite shallow, he say only four coconuts. Even before his mouth opened, he heard a groan. 'Four fruits," he said as sternly as possible. "Apparently, you must go to Tribal Council tonight, Sandburrow." He was interrupted by the clapping and shrieks of joy from the other team.  
  
Continuing, he announced, "I'll see you tonight." Luke's head and shoulders dropped. Jacen, though, secluded himself, meeting them at their camp later that afternoon.  
  
*  
  
At the Norub tribe, there was nothing but celebration. Jaina high- fived her dad as he said, "Told ya Chewie's the best climber of 'em all!"  
  
Well, can't really tell you their story that night. I'd better get going to the Tribal Council, or else that host Jeft will start soon…  
  
***  
  
Finally, thought Jeft, the author's here.  
  
Sorry, Jeft. I thought back. I was at the Norub camp.  
  
I could tell, he complained.  
  
After the host's exchange of thoughts with the author, tribal council started. Jeft started his summary just the way the real host did it on TV.  
  
"Well," he started with a smile, "this is your first tribal council, and the first Star Wars tribal council ever. Jacen, do you think you will be voted out tonight?"  
  
He just shrugged, trying to appear cool and comfortable. "Well, I really don't fell anything. I can't use the Force remember," he reminded. "Besides, I think all of us feel vulnerable right now."  
  
Jeft nodded. "Alright, then. It's time to vote."  
  
Eight members later, Jeft returned. "Once the votes are read, the decision is… er, final."  
  
He pulled out the first one. It said "Jacen, but there was a little note scrawled in the corner. "Brush teeth," it said.  
  
"Palpatine."  
  
Every vote increased the tension in the air.  
  
"Emperor. That's two votes Palpatine, one vote Jacen. The next one reads, Jacen. Three votes, Jacen. The next vote reads… Nom Anor."  
  
The Yuuzhan Vong flinched.  
  
"Next one, Emperor Imp." Jeft withheld his grin.  
  
"Last and deciding vote. Emperor Palp. The emperor got up, torch in hand. Sorry, Emperor Palpatine. You are the weakest link." Doing his best Annie Robinson impersonation, he quickly said, "Goodbye!"  
  
** 


	4. I'm NOT Tom Hanks!

***  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: By altering the personalities of some of these characters, I know I am taking a grave risk by having their fans get mad at me. I must apologize if your favorite person gets voted out, or acts in some way you don't like. Of course, the Ethan guy won Survivor Africa, even if I wanted Kim to win.  
  
***  
  
CHAPTER FOUR: Emperor Palpatine Gets the Boot!  
  
------Er, hold on… that happened in the last chapter! I'm thinking of a new chapter title…  
  
Ah, here we go!  
  
CHAPTER FOUR: To Outwit, Outplay, and… um, what was that last part? Oh yeah. Outlast!  
  
**  
  
A cloak of uneasiness spread over the Sandburrow camp. After losing the first challenge and one member, a strain of doubt took residence within the ranks of their tribe. Jeft had warned them the previous night to, "Brace yourselves for the aftershocks of these votes." And indeed, those who had fallen, Jacen and Nom Anor, were taking it hard.  
  
Jacen in particular.  
  
After an uneventful breakfast of sticky "rice"-as Jeft had told them it was-cooked by the ever interested-in-culinary-arts, Darth Vader, Jacen could not hold out much longer.  
  
"Okay!" He shouted, getting up from his sport around the bonfire. "Who were those two obnoxious beings wanted me off, huh?"  
  
Silence proceeded, but everyone as now staring at the steaming Jedi. Or boiling. Doesn't matter, unless you were a broccoli who was part Yuuzhan Vong and wanted to die honorably, say…  
  
Oh, wait. This is a Star Wars fic. Not a Return of the Vegetables one. On with the chapter.  
  
Mara spoke, finally breaking the silence. "I sure didn't, she began, turning back to her food, or what passed for it. "I voted for my ol' Pap."  
  
Luke grinned at his wife, who was now struggling with the chewy substance in her mouth. "I voted for the Emperor, as well."  
  
No one else answered. Jacen grunted and sat down, giving up… for now. He'd ask them later.  
  
***  
  
At the Norub home, the unity and celebration the tribe had just experienced the night before had dissolved, and they had there own share of problems.  
  
Jaina and her mother had formed a secret alliance, and an argument had sparked between the more famous characters and the lesser-known ones.  
  
"Bantha fodder, Solo!" Crackled Bob's (or Boba Fett's) mandatory translator. "All I called you was a scene stealing smuggler!"  
  
"Hey, Fett, why don't you just get your backpack out of here and find your own scenes then, huh? You've got the experience anyway, right?" He snapped back.  
  
Jaina was soon into the brawl, as well. "Too bad for you Jabba, that George Lucas made you a pitiful Slimeball!"  
  
"Oh, here comes little-miss-perfect-hotshot-pilot!" Gavin Darklighter shouted back, taking the side of his fellow not-too-famous comrades.  
  
Leia and Borsk Fey'lya, ever the pacifist politicians, tried to settle things.  
  
"Excuse me! We're supposed to be a team here," she pleaded, "We can't win if we're divided!"  
  
"Yes," the Bothan said. "I, for once, agree with Mrs. Solo."  
  
Everyone was silent for a moment until Jaina spoke. "Fine," she growled, "anything for a 'team.'"  
  
Even after those words were spoken, they all knew their team was still divided, and that a rivalry had been born.  
  
***  
  
And so, that's how it went for the next few days. At Sandburrow, Jacen was still hunting down his foes, and Norub's teams had begun to conspire against one another-now with Leia and Fey'lya joining their respective teams.  
  
Finally, the first reward challenge.  
  
As the tribes approached the clearing, they spotted Jeft preparing the challenge.  
  
Taking their places, they had all noticed the host's wide smile. And their stomachs (or whatever was the equivalent of a stomach) churned. "Morning, survivors!"  
  
Low moans and "morning's" were heard.  
  
"Today's menu, is not blood, not bugs, not Bantha fodder."  
  
Sighs escaped from the tribes.  
  
"It would be snakes."  
  
Gasps could now be heard.  
  
He held out a bowl of snake insides. "It's all clean, so don't worry. No venom, so you won't die. It's still a little bloody, too.  
  
"This is a rare 'combo' challenge. You will both win a reward and immunity. Norub, you have one extra member, so you must sit one out."  
  
After selecting Leia to sit out, Jeft took a seat behind a table. Underneath were prepared plates of snake insides.  
  
Jaina and Jacen went first. It took a while for Jacen to stomach the idea of eating something like that, but he did it anyway.  
  
And member after member it went, until only two were left from each team. No one fainted. Yet.  
  
It was Borsk Fey'lya against the mighty Darth Vader.  
  
"Alright, it may depend on this, or we would have to go for a tiebreaker," jeft announced. Fey'lya took his plate, as Vader took of his mask.  
  
"Dad!" Luke shouted. "You'll die!"  
  
"No, don't worry, son," he told his worried offspring. "I brought my asthma breather, see?" He held up the device, then breathed through it.  
  
Jeft nodded. "On you mark, get set, go!"  
  
It took a moment for Borsk to start eating, but as soon as he smelled the rotting meat, he fainted.  
  
"Okay! That's it!" Jeft said. "Sandburrow wins!"  
  
Frustrated cries emerged from the Norub team/s.  
  
A stunned Anakin Skywalker said loudly, "That's not fair! It was tasty, too!"  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Sandburrow won two large eggs, something Vader planned to scramble in the morning. As for Norub, you might be able to guess who was voted out.  
  
"Last vote." Jeft opened the paper's flap. "Borsk Fey'lya. That leaves us a tie, between Leia and Fey'lya.  
  
"Since this is not the real Survivor, we're just gonna play a short game of rock, paper scissors. I don't want to go through the hassle of asking a bunch of questions!"  
  
And so, Leia and Borsk played a game of chance, just as  
  
politicians are so often used to doing.  
  
Rock, paper, scissors. Paper covers rock. Leia wins.  
  
Reluctantly, the chief of state got up and took his torch and  
  
handed it to Jeft, who smothered the flame.  
  
Facing the rest of Norub, Jeft announced, "That's what you get when you can't stomach a challenge."  
  
That left Fey'lya's team in the minority, too.  
  
He just lost three future voters.  
  
*** 


	5. Okay! Okay! I'll vote for him!

***  
  
CHAPTER FIVE: Another One to be Voted Out  
  
***  
  
Returning to their camp after tribal council, silence lingered—again—between the 'Majority', comprised of Han, Leia, Jaina and Chewie, and the 'Minority'—the lesser-known heroes (and villains) of the galaxy: Gavin Darklighter, Boba Fett, and Jabba the Hutt, now reduced to three after their loss.  
  
Although she wanted to teach those three who voted for her a lesson, Leia decided that now was not the time to react this way. It's possible, she thought, that they might be able to win some of the opposition over to their side.  
  
After a blissful night of rest, the cool sun of a secluded island greeted the starving survivors. After three chapters here in the wilderness- -or, uh, island—they had all begun to realize the necessity of food and shelter, and clothing and… grooming?  
  
Yes. Leia, for instance, began to see that her hair was giving her a total problem. Thank goodness I made her bring her brush as a luxury item, or I would have to sit here at my computer talking about how terrible she would have looked!  
  
So there she was, sitting at the campfire, messing with the tangled mess that she called "hair." Jaina was smiling at her when she arrived.  
  
Leia rolled her eyes sarcastically and motioned for her daughter to sit by her. "And so you see, my dear child, that with long hair comes responsibility." A large knot surfaced itself.  
  
"Yes, Mom," she replied, in the same exaggerated tone. "I've got my hair in a bun already, see?" She cocked her head to the side.  
  
"Alright, alright, beaten by my own daughter at my own game. I concede!"  
  
They were joined by Gavin Darklighter, who simply gave them a grunt. "Morning," he growled.  
  
"Good morning, Colonel!" Jaina emphasized the words 'good' and 'colonel'.  
  
"Morning, Colonel Darklighter." Leia knew he was one of those who voted for her last night.  
  
After each member of their tribe slowly wakened one after the other, they had their usual breakfast—which of course, would also be their lunch and dinner—of rice, they all returned to what they did everyday.  
  
Jaina went into her tent and fetched her satellite phone. Leia heard her starting to babble on the line.  
  
"Hey, Jag! What's up? Oh. You don't say. You see me on the HoloNet? Cool. Where'd I start saying 'cool'? Oh, I don't know. Just said it right now, actually. Yep. Uh, that too."  
  
Gavin watched the teenager—er, ah, young lady—talk to who he guessed was her boyfriend. "Hey, Bob, check that out," sparing a pointing glance at the girl. "We're here, cleaning up the ashes of last night's campfire, and there she is, talking on the phone like there's no tomorrow!"  
  
Fett ignored the girl, but did not ignore Gavin's comment. "Yeah," he replied, "did you know women speak twice as much as males?"  
  
Gavin snorted a chuckle. "Obviously." They paused, doing something that I (the author) have been observing in men. After an intense conversation, they take a few moments of silence, then continue.  
  
"Hey, did you hear that the Obi-Wan Jedi in the other team voted for his friend's son? Weird what Jedi do." Bob continued his work.  
  
Gavin couldn't agree. "Well, yeah, but I know a lot of Jedi who don't do weird stuff."  
  
"Are you saying that I am wrong, little man?" Fett looked up. "I am NEVER wrong. Not in a million lightyears. NEVER!"  
  
Gavin counter attacked. "Oh yeah? Well, you were WRONG because you didn't get Han Solo KILLED, and now I have to babysit his daughter at the squadron!"  
  
This prompted Jaina to hang up. "What did you say, Darklighter?" She stalked toward the two minority members. "For your information, I could BEAT you anytime!"  
  
The argument turned into a brawl between Jaina and Gavin. "Yeah right, you could! Little Miss Lieutenant!"  
  
Jaina laughed heartily as Chewbacca, Han, Leia, Jabba and Fett looked on, none of them wanting to get into the mess. "Ha! The only reason YOU'RE in the squadron is because you're cousin Biggs was there first!"  
  
"How dare you, child! How dare you insult me like I am nothing but a piece of space dust!"  
  
"Why, thank you for the suggestion, Slimeball! It seems that you're no better than a Hutt's breath!"  
  
Jabba flinched.  
  
"Well, if it weren't for your mother, you wouldn't be in the squadron!"  
  
Wit took over her. After all, this is Survivor. "Oh yeah? Could the reason be, because YOU didn't want me in it? And so, you tried to keep me from getting in? I ACED Lando's Folly. I beat Kyp Durron's time, times two! I could get the admiral, who is probably watching this on HoloNet right now, to make you pack your stuff and get your butt out of the squadron!"  
  
Gavin laughed. "No, he would listen to MY side of the story, no matter what you say!"  
  
Jaina snorted back. "I've had more kills than you could ever have in your entire life, Gavin Darklighter! I'm a better pilot, and you know that!"  
  
And Gavin did know that. He stormed away.  
  
***  
  
While our heroes at the Norub camp settle their disputes, Sandburrow's Jacen had more problems of his own. With some non-Force investigating, he had found out the three people who had stamped him 'loser': Nom Anor, his brother Anakin, and more surprisingly of all, Obi- Wan Kenobi.  
  
He was furious! Why would they do that? All he did was fall off a tree! Ah, on second thought, he would have done the same thing if his teammate fell flat on his face, too.  
  
Darth Vader, ever the gourmet chef, whipped up scrambled eggs so fast you couldn't even say "Supercalifrajalisticexpealidocious." Okay, maybe you could.  
  
But that isn't important. Jacen convinced his uncle, Mara, his grandpa Darth, and Obi-Wan, who admitted he didn't know how to spell 'Eperor', uh, 'Palpane,' uh… never mind. So, he voted for Jacen instead. Much simpler than Empers. Whatever. To vote for the conspiring little worm he called Yuuzhan Vong. Everyone hated him anyway, except Darth Vader, who of course didn't know he would even exist. Oh yeah, Obi-Wan, too.  
  
The next days were full of whispers and plans, with Nom and Anakin alienated out of the talks.  
  
"So," Jacen whispered to his little group as they huddled together in a secluded meeting spot, "if we lose immunity, or whatever they call it, we vote for the Vong. Don't listen to him if he tries to get you to vote for anyone else. Got it?"  
  
Everyone agreed. Luke, who at first had some moral issues to combat, got into the dirt. This is Survivor, after all.  
  
***  
  
The reward challenge came not long afterward. Their mail was written on a piece of crumpled paper.  
  
"This challenge will not be fun, or maybe it could be, for some. It's not for one who's afraid of heights, because then they'd barf at its sight. You have no choice, however, and even if you make a noise, we will not let you down, until you are the talk of the town."  
  
"Welcome, Survivors. In this reward challenge, you will be playing for this," Jeft pointed to a nearby table. It was filled with the things each of them wished they'd had: a toothbrush, some toothpaste, and all those other grooming items you find in a bathroom. Or a refresher, sorry.  
  
"And the challenge, is this." Behind him was a tall wall, an extremely tall wall, at that. "You will have to climb, one by one, up this wall, then down it. There is a total of five walls you will have to climb. Simple enough."  
  
After they took their places, Jeft signaled their start. "Survivors ready! Go!"  
  
It was a tight scramble as they sought the goal. Apparently Sandburrow's scramble was too much. Nom Anor, heading the pack, tripped, and cost his teammates time. Norub extended its lead to two walls, and eventually won the race.  
  
"Norub wins!"  
  
***  
  
By losing a challenge because of his 'butterfeet''—as one "Jeedai" called it, Nom Anor lost some of his "glory." In order to restore it, he sought to place more tatoos on his body.  
  
Taking his tatoo kit, he sat in a secluded spot—or so he thought—he started to peel away some fake tatoos to mark himself.  
  
Apparently he was not alone. Luke and the rest of his ragtag team spotted him in the bushes. Laughter erupted as Anor saw them. "Hey, everybody! The Yuuzhan Vong's tatoos are FAKE!"  
  
Nom Anor sneered in anger. "Jeedai! You will be sorry!" He got up and left for camp.  
  
***  
  
The immunity challenge was a little more different. It was a question and answer thing, and once again they faced the made-up host.  
  
"Welcome to the immunity challenge. Your team has been given two placards. One marked 'true', and the other, 'false'. I will give you a sentence, and you will have a few seconds to decided if it is fact, or fiction." Jeft was tempted to add "or science fiction", but he restrained himself.  
  
Once again the teams took their spots. "Survivors ready? This is a best of three rally."  
  
"First question. Ah, answer. Bill Gates is the world's richest person."  
  
Some awkward stares came from the group, until a voice asked, "Who's Bill Gates?"  
  
Jeft tried his best to hold his already flaming temper. "Just take a guess, if you're not sure, okay?"  
  
Norub answered "True", and Sandburrow, the opposite. "One point for Norub. Next. Kathie Lee is still Regis Philbin's co-host." Jeft was amazed himself at what the producers put on these cards. How the heck was a Star Wars person supposed to know who Kathie Lee was? Or Regis Philbin?!  
  
Norub answered correctly, and once again, Sandburrow, the opposite.  
  
"That's it. Norub wins. Again. See you tonight, Sandburrow."  
  
Then the weird island Survivor music plays as the contestants exit the floor.  
  
***  
  
Again, Jeft began his usual summary of the events that have transpired earlier. "Uh, Nom, or, Nom Anor, is it true," he said with feigned innocence, "that the Yuuzhan Vong use fake tatoos?"  
  
Nom Anor started to cry. "Yes! Yes I admit it!" He said between sobs. "I'm so sorry, mommy!"  
  
Jeft was grinning, trying to keep his laughter in. "Okay, uh, let's vote."  
  
Anakin voted with them, although he did not know that they might conspire against him next. Nom Anor, the only lose vote, voted for Jacen, the Jeedai who he though would be voted out.  
  
"Last and deciding vote," Jeft announced. This was getting pretty boring. "Nom Anor. Sorry, you gotta go."  
  
Jacen was happy, all smiles. "There you go, crybaby!" He shouted after him.  
  
"That's what you get for 'slipping up' on your teammates," Jeft concluded.  
  
*** 


	6. Divison, division division... hey! I don...

***  
  
CHAPTER SIX: And So Goes the Story…  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: What do you think so far?  
  
***  
  
Even after winning two challenges in a row, the Norub camp was still residence to tension and division. After their nasty argument the days before, and after hearing that the weird alien known as the Yuuzhan Vong who was named Nom Anor was voted out, Gavin Darklighter and Jaina Solo still hadn't come to terms with each other.  
  
Han Solo was talking to Jabba the Hutt around the campfire.  
  
"So, Jabba, why'd you want me dead, anyway?"  
  
The CBS-provided mandatory translator buzzed and crackled to life. "Well, Solo, personal grudges, of course. What else?"  
  
Solo cocked his head to the side. "Oh, just wondering. How'd it feel to be strangled?"  
  
Jabba laughed for a moment as Leia arrived from their tent. "It was painful, of course, Solo."  
  
Han glanced at his wife, who took a seat by him. "She's pretty strong. She never ceases to amaze me." He winked at her.  
  
"Jabba, I think you'd better leave those two alone for now. They're getting all lovey-dovey." Jaina's voice was still sleepy as she joined the threesome at the campfire, over which her mother was starting to cook the rice.  
  
"Hey, Solo," Gavin called. "Don't you tell a Hutt what to do. Mind your own business!"  
  
"Hey, Darklighter," Jaina turned. "It IS my business, for your information, and if you have a problem with that, then why don't you come out here like a man?"  
  
Jaina turned to the Hutt for a second. "Sorry for the, uh, Hutt breath thing the last time."  
  
"That is all right, young Jaina Solo, now go on. I love a good brawl." Jabba, for once, was a little more friendlier than usual. This certainly wasn't how Jabba the Hutt was supposed to be, according to the stories and tales her parents had given her when they had the time. I mean, jeez, this guy was supposed to be a powerful, slimy, crime lord!  
  
Gavin was fast approaching their spot. "Hey, Solo…"  
  
"Is that all you can call me, Colonel? 'Hey, Solo'? I thought you had a little more imagination than that!"  
  
Her foe had arrived. He laughed mockingly, but it was too obvious it was forced. "And you can think of anything better?"  
  
Jaina just grinned, then sat by her mother. She put a sarcastic thinking look on her face. "Oh, there's tons more you could think of, you're just not using your brain…ehm, if you have one."  
  
Gavin was caught off guard, and he let his temper loose, despite his anger management class on Coruscant. "Why you…" He yelled in frustration.  
  
Of course, she was amused. "Ah, squealing like a girl. Just the ordinary Gavin Darklighter. I take it your bellybutton lint collection is doing fine?"  
  
They heard Chewbacca chuckle to himself in the distance.  
  
She continued the bloodletting. "If you run out, you can always consult your bellybutton."  
  
Gavin wanted to yell and scream and yes, unfortunately, squeal like a girl. An old pal taught him that it was the best stress buster there ever was. "You'll never win this game, Jaina Solo. And when I get to Coruscant, I assure you, I will get you out of the squadron, even if it's the last thing I do!"  
  
"Whatever. Vote for me all you want, for all I care. I'm on Survivor, boy, and I reckon I'm gonna win this game, no matter how stinkin' your plans may be. That's my last word." How'd she end up using rural country slang?  
  
"Oh yeah?" Gavin started to use an odd… eh, weird accent. "I will vote for you, then, miss. And I must say, your attitude towards your superior is much inappropriate. It would take a fool to insult his superior."  
  
She snorted then whispered something to her mother, who whispered it to Han, who whispered it to Jabba.  
  
Eek, slime on my lips, Han thought.  
  
Gavin returned to his usual state of out-of-control tempers. "Speak up, Solo! Can't you talk out loud like a man? Er, woman?"  
  
"Alright, fine, if that's what you want, bellybutton lint man. I said you're starting to sound like my protocol droid, C-3PO."  
  
"Uh, okay." He seemed to calm down.  
  
Jaina giggled.  
  
He looked up, realizing what she had really said. "Hey!"  
  
She scoffed. "Can't believe it took you 5.285 seconds to realize what I was implying."  
  
I don't want to spend all my time on this boring argument, so why don't we flash over to the Sandburrow camp… hehe, pretty cool being the author. Instant transport!  
  
***  
  
At the Norub camp, it seemed everyone was happy that Nom Anor was voted off unanimously. Of course, Anakin was starting to suspect something because no one had told him that they were voting for the Vong. What if they voted for HIM next?  
  
With this in mind, he consulted his older brother. "Jacen," he greeted, without the same smile that his brother had on his face that morning.  
  
"Yes, Anakin?"  
  
"Are you voting for me the next time we have to vote?"  
  
"Why would you think that?"  
  
"Well, you didn't tell me you were voting for Nom Anor."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I voted for you, and he voted for you…"  
  
"Okay?" He tried to appear nonchalant.  
  
"DON'T YOU SEE THE SIMILARITY?" Anakin almost shouted. Okay, technically he DID shout…eh, whatever.  
  
Jacen looked away innocently. "No…"  
  
"Look, if you were gonna vote for me anyway, then just tell me. I won't mind. Really."  
  
Jacen turned to him. "Promise?"  
  
He gave him an assuring nod. "Promise. I can't use the Force to probe your mind, so I guess I gotta trust you."  
  
"Okay." He nodded back slightly. "I did. Everyone else is gonna vote for you next Tribal Council comes."  
  
"WHAT?" His eyes widened in surprise. "I trusted you, Jacen!"  
  
"I know! I know! I'm sorry." He really wasn't. I can tell you that.  
  
Anakin bolted from his spot on the log. Everyone else was either in their tents napping, trying to nap, or doing something else. "I TRUSTED YOU, YOU CONSPIRING LITTLE RAT!"  
  
Darth Vader's voice was heard from his tent. "It's DIRTY rat, kid!" He shouted.  
  
"Okay." Anakin rephrased it. "I TRUSTED YOU, YOU CONSPIRING, DIRTY RAT!"  
  
Jacen was still calm. "Didn't have the same aura as its predecessor."  
  
"Oh, okay."  
  
They were silent for a moment, then Anakin broke that silence, that peace, that tranquility, that…  
  
Jacen looked at the camera…er, whatever this thing I'm looking at is. "Okay! We get it, author person!"  
  
"Oh, sorry." Of course, no one could really see me, but some people took it too far. Luke came forward.  
  
"Yoda?" He glanced around. "Master Yoda? Is that you?!" He asked.  
  
"No!" I yelled back. "I'm the author! Yoda's NOT in this story, stupid!"  
  
"Oh." He paused. "I'm not stupid!"  
  
"Yes you are! Duh!"  
  
"What's duh?" He asked, obviously very confused.  
  
"Forget it," I replied.  
  
"I can't forget it! It's permanently ingrained in my brain! And I'm not talking about how the Yuuzhan Vong put instruments and disgusting objects in their heads."  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Get on with the story, for goodness' sake! I'm trying to write a fic here!"  
  
"Sorry." Luke stepped back, out of the frame. Jeez, I'm glad that's over.  
  
"As I was saying," Anakin started, "to Jacen."  
  
"Hmm?" His brother turned to him again.  
  
"I HATE YOU!"  
  
This brought Jacen to his feet. "But you promised that you wouldn't care what I said!"  
  
"Yeah, 'cause I thought I could TRUST you!"  
  
"You don't call THIS trust?"  
  
"No, I DON'T call this trust!"  
  
"That's enough!" Mara yelled, stepping in between the two feuding siblings.  
  
They both quieted down, sort of embarrassed to be acting like this. Yeah right, like siblings are ever embarrassed to be acting like this.  
  
"You two are acting very childish."  
  
"Sorry, Aunt Mara. But Jacen started it!"  
  
"No, Anakin did!"  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Did too!"  
  
"Did…"  
  
"I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Mara sat down on the log. "What seems to be the problem here?"  
  
Jacen spoke first this time. "Anakin asked if we were gonna vote for him next time, so I said yes."  
  
"And? What's wrong with that?"  
  
Anakin stepped in. "I trusted him that he would not vote for me. He broke that trust!"  
  
"All right CHILDREN, why don't you both settle this down peacefully?"  
  
"Yes, Aunt Mara. I'm voting for you, Jacen."  
  
"Fine." He stormed away. Pretty cool using all this "stormed away" and "bolted from" stuff. Reminds me of a very interesting cousin I have =)  
  
Mara breathed a sigh of relief. She was so happy that they had only one son to deal with. How do Leia and Han get over this stuff?  
  
Ben Kenobi returned, and he saw that something wasn't right between the Solo brothers.  
  
"Oh, dear," he thought to himself. "This is not good. Not good for the team at all. Now, where did I put my cologne?"  
  
***  
  
Jaina and Gavin didn't settle their issues, and neither did Anakin and Jacen. See something here? I'm using the Solo kids! This is so fun! I have control and power to make them do whatever I want…MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
There. Now let's go on, shall we?  
  
The immunity challenge came sooner than they had all expected.  
  
"Welcome to the immunity challenge," Jeft said dryly. "In this round, it is a game of teamwork. If you don't work together, you will lose.  
  
"This is a game of strategy. You all see two boulders over there." He pointed to a pair of huge rocks, some 1,000 meters away from them.  
  
"Take your ropes, and roll your rock towards your goal. First team wins immunity. Norub, since you have one person extra, you must sit one person out. Who'll it be?"  
  
They all huddled together in a small circle, then decided. Han announced, "Leia's gonna sit out."  
  
So when everyone took their positions, each team member behind another, clutching a very dirty-looking piece of rope, Jeft signaled for them to start.  
  
"Survivors ready!" Jeft did not know what the whole point of saying "survivors ready" before each challenge was supposed to be. All it did was waste his saliva!  
  
"Go!" The two teams struggled mercilessly, and everyone could tell this was going to be long haul. The Norub tribe, who possessed the upper hand, advanced about 200 meters, leaving a very deep trail in the sand.  
  
It seemed hopeless for Sandburrow as Norub advanced at a slow, but steady pace. As for them, they didn't seemed to advance at all!  
  
Jeft had a long day, so he simply took a nap, deciding that, although it would be extremely amusing to watch these sci-fi characters struggle, it would overwork his extremely sensitive brain muscles.  
  
After about an hour—can you believe it? An hour! I could do better than that!—of tossing and turning…  
  
Oh, wait, you do that in your sleep. Hold on…  
  
After about an hour of sweating—eeew! If you have saw a Hutt sweat, you would probably barf, and Boba Fett was at the wrong place at the wrong time—and sighing, Norub won but about a hundred and fifty meters.  
  
"Sandburrow," Proast announced, "it seems you have just added another loss to your streak. I'll see you tonight."  
  
The only good part about being a Survivor host to these people? You get to watch them conspire and vote each other off.  
  
Jeft Proast snickered softly. It would be a great vote tonight.  
  
***  
  
"Nice to see you again, Sandburrow."  
  
Jeft's humor was not noticed, so he just continued. "Let's vote."  
  
The Survivor music plays, and Jacen votes first.  
  
"Anakin," he whispers, "Even if you're my brother, you can be a real pain."  
  
Five members later, Jeft announced, "I'll go tally the votes."  
  
Each face was downcast, as it was supposed to be at Tribal Council. You weren't supposed to be happy; you were supposed to be mad at yourself or somebody else because it was either your or that person's fault you were here in the first place. Just think! Someone telling jokes at Council, someone laughing and smiling and beaming and actually happy to be here…  
  
Uk. I'm disgusted.  
  
"Once the votes are read, the decision is final." Another waste of saliva. The producers must be politicians!  
  
"First vote. Jacen." Jacen did not change his gaze.  
  
"Second vote, Jacen. That's two votes Jacen. Third vote, Anakin. Fourth vote… Anakin."  
  
Anakin wanted to smile. Someone with some wisdom voted for the all- knowing Jacen tonight.  
  
"Fifth vote… Obi-Wan."  
  
Must be a lose voter.  
  
"Sixth and last vote. Obi-Wan Kenobi. We have a three-way tie." Jeft was amused this. The Sandburrow household obviously had too many loose voters out there.  
  
"I am going to pick a name from this can again," he said, juggling the container. "Whoever's name appears, is voted out." At least the producers are a little imaginative.  
  
"Deciding vote. Obi-Wan."  
  
Ben bolted up, with nothing but a faceless expression and his torch. Jeft doused his flame.  
  
"Jacen, you now have six votes against you. Anakin, you have two. I'll see you at the next challenge."  
  
Jacen exited with a grumble.  
  
I'll get you, Anakin.  
  
And whoever else voted with you.  
  
*** 


	7. I Hope CBS Doesn't Sue Me For This...

***  
  
CHAPTER SEVEN: IT'S NOT MY FAULT!  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: I just had another bout of brainfreeze when I wrote the author/ Yoda thing in the last chapter so hold on a sec while I get some more Slurpee from 7-11. I figured another genius idea might come to mind. Or brain. BTW, if you have any suggestions for a reward/ immunity challenge, I'd gladly accept all. Don't forget to review!  
  
***  
  
At the Norub camp, it was a more calm setting when Jaina and Gavin started to ignore each other.  
  
Well, that's exciting news.  
  
  
  
  
  
Yeah right.  
  
At the waterhole, the only one of two waterholes that gave off clean water, and the only waterhole Norub could drink from, Leia, Han and Chewbacca were trying to convince Bob (or Boba Fett, if you don't remember) to join them.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry about all the scene-stealing thing, okay? But it's really not my fault George Lucas made you the bad guy!" Han said innocently.  
  
"If you join us, you will be can be sure your are not going to be voted out like those who are against us," Leia remarked, like a true politician.  
  
Chewbacca just stood there for support, waiting for Jaina to arrive.  
  
"So what's in it for me?" Fett grilled them thoroughly. "Will it just delay my being voted off? What if Jabba and Darklighter are off and you must vote off someone else? Will that be me?"  
  
Jaina arrived, but was unusually silent as she watched her parents attempting to convince a stubborn bounty hunter.  
  
"Bob," Leia replied, accepting the floor from her husband. "It might be you, it might not be you. It all depends on what fate decides. One of us," she motioned toward her three companions, "might turn against another. We never know. For now, it will give you a guarantee that you will not be voted off as quickly as Jabba and Gavin might be."  
  
Bob considered this for a moment. "How am I to know if I can trust you?"  
  
"That's your call."  
  
"It is?"  
  
She nodded. "It's your decision, and we need your decision right now. What we're looking at is that you, Chewie, Han, Jaina and I will be in the Final Five. Only then can we wonder who would win immunity, and who would win this game."  
  
"Why must I make my decision now?"  
  
A long fart was heard nearby, then a stench so strong was released Han almost fainted were it not from his hand covering his nose. It was like REEEAAALLLLYYY long. If you don't believe me, I'll write down right here how long it was. It was like a "fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttt"!  
  
It lasted four point seven standard minutes, according to the annoying C-3PO droid by my side who won't leave me alone.  
  
"Oh dear! I am so elated that I was not equipped with scent-sensitive receptors!" he wailed.  
  
"Shut up, Threepio." I flicked off his switch.  
  
It must've been the longest fart in history.  
  
The smelliest too. I am SO happy that I am the author and I do not need to suffer the stench. Apparently THEY weren't so lucky.  
  
The cameraman wasn't either. He fainted, and the camera dropped to the ground and now you can only see feet, but with my superior author powers, I can manipulate anything in this story. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I love saying that.  
  
"WHO WAS THAT?" Bob shouted, directing the question to the air in front of him.  
  
"I'll take care of it, okay?" I replied.  
  
"Oh, it's the author."  
  
"Yes it's the author, now shut up while I get Joe to the medics."  
  
"You mean YOU farted?"  
  
"NO! NOW SHUT UP, OKAY?"  
  
"But who farted?"  
  
"It wasn't me," I said. 'Now if you don't mind, Joe fainted and I have to get him to the CBS guys. Hold on."  
  
With my awesomely superior author mind powers, which are even more powerful than Luke's, I lifted Joe off the ground, sent him to the CBS people, got another cameraman, and now you can see everyone clearly.  
  
"All better?" I asked.  
  
They all groaned in unison.  
  
Bob spoke up. "I still want to know who farted!"  
  
"I'll leave this argument to your folks."  
  
So Bob started to grill everyone. "OKAY! Who farted! I did not suffer for five minutes—"  
  
For some odd reason SOMEBODY turned Threepio on and put him in my fic, and interrupted my good argument that was just starting to boil.  
  
"Master Fett," he said annoyingly, "It is not five minutes, but four- point-oh-seven-twenty-two standard minutes."  
  
"Oh, shut up," Han complained loudly.  
  
"But Master Han, I cannot 'shut up' because I am a droid. I may be 'shut down,' but I may not shut down myself."  
  
And Threepio accidentally stepped on a very gross, disgusting, bug.  
  
He wailed so loudly that I went to my start bar and put the mute on.  
  
*author humming*  
  
*Sound On* Han, Chewbacca, Leia, Jaina and Bob were covering their ears. Poor contestants.  
  
Like I care.  
  
"SHUT HIM UP! SOMEONE!" Leia shouted.  
  
Jaina was nearest, so she immediately jumped on him and flicked his switch.  
  
"Thank you," her father said, relaxing.  
  
"I still want to know who farted." Bob complained again.  
  
"Sorry," Chewbacca growled, just low enough for everyone to hear.  
  
"Chewie!" Han scolded. "Don't you EVER do that again, particularly when I'm less than ten feet away from you!"  
  
"They could sue us, you know." Leia said quietly.  
  
"Who would?" Jaina questioned.  
  
Now, with five people to control, it would be much easier if I did it like this, so here it is.  
  
Leia: CBS.  
  
Bob: Why?  
  
Han: Yeah? Who would sue someone who farted?  
  
Jaina: CBS.  
  
Chewbacca: Why?  
  
Leia: For making one of their camerapeople faint.  
  
Han: They'd better not sue ME!  
  
Bob: I wasn't the one who farted either!  
  
Chewbacca: Wasn't MY fault I ate my rotten tortilla!  
  
Jaina: Eew.  
  
Leia: When did you start saying that?  
  
Jaina: Just now.  
  
Han: Where'd you get it?  
  
Jaina: How would I know?  
  
Bob: Maybe the author did it.  
  
Author: Or the butler.  
  
Han: When did YOU get in the conversation?  
  
Author: Hey, I'M the author here! I can do ANYTHING I want.  
  
Han: Fine.  
  
Leia: That's not the issue here. We're talking about why CBS would sure Chewie.  
  
Chewbacca: Me? Why me?  
  
Bob: We just told you, Wookiee. YOUR FART made a cameraperson faint.  
  
Han: Yeah. Bad move.  
  
Chewbacca: But…  
  
Jaina: And just think. What if Gavin and Jabba hear about this? They'd taunt you at every Tribal Council there is.  
  
Leia: Unless THEY get voted out first.  
  
Jaina: *sarcastically* Yeah, great idea Mom, vote them off first. Like that's the first time I've heard that.  
  
Leia: Well, is it?  
  
Jaina: Mom! We were already planning it in the first place!  
  
Bob: That's why you got me here.  
  
Leia: Oh, yeah.  
  
Han: So, Bob, you gonna take the offer?  
  
Bob: Well, I've got to, if I want to save my skin in this little game.  
  
Jaina: I sure do.  
  
Bob: Save my skin?  
  
Jaina: No, MY skin! As in, I want to win this!  
  
Bob: Well, how would I know?  
  
Jaina: I don't know, maybe if you used you BRAIN!  
  
Bob: I…  
  
Leia: Enough!  
  
Bob: Fine. I'll take your offer.  
  
Jaina: Then you've got to trust us.  
  
Bob: I'll try to.  
  
Han: You've got to make the decision now.  
  
Bob: I just did.  
  
Han: To trust us, I mean. *in undertone* Idiot.  
  
Bob: I heard that!  
  
Leia: I SAID ENOUGH!  
  
Han: He started it.  
  
Bob: Did not!  
  
Han: Did too!  
  
Leia: Someone shut them up.  
  
Bob: Did not!  
  
***  
  
At the Samburrow camp, it was slightly different.  
  
I said slightly, folks.  
  
Jacen and Anakin were at their arguments again.  
  
"Look, Anakin, you said you wouldn't care if I said yes or no…"  
  
"Jace—"  
  
"Don't interrupt me! You voted for me at the first Council. Give me ONE good reason why I don't have the right to vote YOU off, huh? It's because of you and your gang that I now have six votes against me!"  
  
"Hey! Don't blame me! I got my own problems. You're one of them!"  
  
"Me?" Jacen scoffed. "Me! Right! You know what, if we weren't in this stupid game and if the stupid author hadn't…"  
  
"I heard that!" I yelled.  
  
"Sorry." Jacen continued. "Anyway, if we weren't playing this game, you'd be dead, remember?"  
  
"Well, it isn't my fault Troy Denning killed me!"  
  
"Right, and it's mine?"  
  
"I wish I could say yes."  
  
"Fine. Then let's call it even."  
  
"Deal."  
  
The shook hands just as Vader came out. "Hi, kids," he said.  
  
"Hi, Mr. Skywalker," they both said in unison.  
  
"Have I killed THAT many Jedi that my own grandkids won't even call me their grandfather?"  
  
"Yes," Jacen grumbled.  
  
"Oh."  
  
Out of NOWHERE, C-3PO appeared again. OKAY, WHO IS TAMPERING WITH MY FIC HERE, HUH?  
  
"Actually, Master Vader," Threepio started, "the approximate number of Jedi you have killed is two-thousand-eighty-one-point-oh-six."  
  
"Thank you, Threepio," Anakin said.  
  
"And the odds that your grandchildren would not call you 'grandfather' is twenty-eight-point-forty-nine in seven-thousand-six- hundred-twenty-eight-point-two."  
  
"THANK YOU THREEPIO!" Anakin said loudly.  
  
"Why, you're quite weelllcumm…" Mara shut him off.  
  
"Thanks, Aunt Mara." Jacen said softly.  
  
"You see that?" Vader threw his arms in the air. "All I want to be called his granddad, or grandpa, or grandfather, or Pappy, and all you call me is Darth Vader, Mr. Skywalker, and you can call the woman who tried to kill my son 'aunt!'"  
  
"But she IS our aunt," Jacen clarified.  
  
"I KNOW THAT!" Obviously a lot of people know a lot of things in this fic. "Can't you just call me granddad? Or grandpa Vader?"  
  
"Because you're a bad guy."  
  
"Yeah, but I turned to the Light Side."  
  
"Then you died."  
  
"Are you trying to say that I'm a dead guy?"  
  
"I couldn't have said it better myself."  
  
"Why you…"  
  
Jacen stepped back and smiled. "Sorry, I'm your grandson, remember? And you can't hurt me."  
  
"There's no rule saying I can't."  
  
"So?"  
  
"That means I can hurt you."  
  
"No you can't. I'm your grandson."  
  
"I know that! That's the entire reason why I asked you to call me Grandfather, at least!"  
  
"All right, GRANDFATHER." (That was supposed to be in italic, but this stupid computer… AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!)  
  
"There. That wasn't so bad, was it, Jacen?"  
  
"No."  
  
"That's all there is to it!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"I mean, there's no problem in calling me grandfather."  
  
"No. Who said that?"  
  
"No one! I just—"  
  
"Then why'd you imply that there was a problem at all?"  
  
"Because—"  
  
"Because what?"  
  
"STOP INTERRUPTING MY WHEN I'M TALKING!"  
  
"It's not my fault, it's the author's. She's writing this fic."  
  
"This is very pointless."  
  
"Well, maybe she WANTS it to be pointless."  
  
"Meaning?"  
  
"Meaning this is a pointless fan fic."  
  
"And we are all pointless characters here?"  
  
"Probably." Jacen shrugged.  
  
Anakin joined the conversation. "Why's grandpa asking all the questions?"  
  
"You just asked one right there," Vader answered.  
  
"Yeah," Jacen continued, "is that counted?"  
  
"You asked a question there." Anakin pointed out.  
  
"So? What's the problem with asking a question?"  
  
"There's another one."  
  
"I know that. Answer my question."  
  
"Shouldn't you state that as a question?"  
  
"You just asked another question."  
  
"I wanted you to answer it."  
  
"Why must I?"  
  
"This is the answer to your question. There."  
  
"That wasn't an answer."  
  
"What was it, then?"  
  
"It was a declarative sentence."  
  
"Ask an interrogative one."  
  
"How would I know these people's English?" Jacen asked again.  
  
"You just said it."  
  
"Said what?"  
  
"There's another question."  
  
"Just answer the stupid question!"  
  
"Why do you say 'stupid' a lot?" Anakin responded.  
  
"I dunno. How do we tell the difference between an interrogative and declarative sentence anyway?"  
  
"Why are you so interested in English all of a sudden?"  
  
"That was an interrogative sentence, wasn't it?"  
  
"That one was."  
  
"And that was a declarative."  
  
"How'd you know?"  
  
"It's just in my head right now."  
  
"You're too much of an intellectual." Anakin remarked.  
  
"Did you know I just added some more lint to my belly button lint collection?"  
  
"My brain hurts."  
  
"Wasn't my fault!" Jacen responded.  
  
***  
  
Jeft was watching this on his trailer TV—imagine, his OWN trailer! And the guy isn't satisfied!—with amusement.  
  
A big fart, a small deal, a pointless conversation about belly button lint. This was even more fun than he had expected.  
  
Then George Lucas walked in. (HOW DID LUCAS GET IN HERE?)  
  
'Hi, Jeft," George greeted him.  
  
"Hi, Mr. Lucas."  
  
"Oh, please, call me George." He took a seat.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Have you seen Yoda?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"He wasn't a contestant?"  
  
"Naw. Who do ya think'll win?"  
  
"I don't know. I mean, who knows these people?"  
  
"You're supposed to."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Well, do you?"  
  
"Not exactly, no."  
  
"BUT YOU CREATED THEM!"  
  
"Jeez, you have a short temper."  
  
"We're talking about you here, not me."  
  
"Who said we were talking about me?"  
  
"No one. It just came up."  
  
"Things like this don't come up, out of the blue."  
  
"Well, I guess they do in a fan fic."  
  
"Seems to me it's pretty pointless."  
  
"What is?"  
  
"This fic," George answered. 'Don't you want a new job?"  
  
"Yeah, I do. Desperately."  
  
'Great! I'll cast you as… Anakin Skywalker!"  
  
"Jeff Probst look-alike as a young Darth Vader? Won't work."  
  
"Good point."  
  
C-3PO appeared. AGAIN! WHO'S BEEN PLAYING AROUND WITH THIS FIC WHILE I'M NOT LOOKING?! "Master Jeft," he started, "You could have a plastic surgeon enhance your face to look like Hayden Christensen, instead of Jeff Probst, sir."  
  
"I don't want it."  
  
"Threepio?" George questioned.  
  
"Yes… Oh! Master George! I have been waiting over a century to meet you! Allow me to introduce myself. I am C-3PO, human cybor—"  
  
"I know, Threepio. I created you."  
  
"Yes, sir! I—" Jeft shut him off.  
  
"Sorry for the interruption, George.  
  
"Hey," I said, making Jeft jump. "Why don't we let George pick who's gonna be voted out next!"  
  
"I dunno," Jeft replied, "it's your fic."  
  
"Okay! Mr. Lucas, who you want voted out?"  
  
"I always didn't like Jabba the Hutt," George Lucas replied.  
  
"Okay, Jeft! It's your job to tell them."  
  
"Who? Me?"  
  
"YES, YOU! WHAT'RE YOU THINKING?"  
  
"Nothing. Jeez, I'm going. I'm going."  
  
Can you believe this? I just had a conversation with George Lucas. Well, most of it was with Jeft, but who cares? I got to talk to George Lucas!  
  
Yeah right."  
  
***  
  
Okay, so that's the end of this chapter. Hope you liked it! I was pretty bored so I made everyone have pointless conversations. What do yea think? Chapter Eight is not long behind. REVIEW THIS, PLEASE!  
  
*** 


	8. I'M GONNA WIN! NO, I AM! NO, I AM!

*** (Getting tired of these yet?)  
  
CHAPTER EIGHT: Can someone please get me some more Slurpee? My brain isn't working right now.  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: Don't forget to review this thing! I'm taking suggestions for the reward and immunity challenges. All ideas appreciated! Comments, too!  
  
***  
  
I finally got rid of C-3PO! Apparently his programming influenced my word processor to put him in every scene.  
  
At Sandburrow (let's start here for a change), Jacen's (or Anakin's, can't remember who's) belly button lint collection was growing by the minute…  
  
Er, not a very good start. So, at the Sandburrow camp, Luke was quite…eh, elated?  
  
Okay, who's been messing with my computer again, huh? Only C-3PO talks this junk! Jeez… *talking to computer* YOU'D BETTER STOP LISTENING TO THAT STUPID DROID OR ELSE I'M RETURNING YOU TO COMP USA AND REPLACING YOU WITH A NEW ONE, UNDERSTAND?  
  
*Computer* Beep, beep, twop.  
  
Oh, no, Not…  
  
Beep, Tweet!  
  
STUPID DROID COUNTERPART R2-D2! WHY MUST YOU TALK TO MY COMPUTER LIKE THIS? *Bangs head against monitor*  
  
Twot?  
  
OH, BE QUIET! OR ELSE I'LL GET A NEW COMPUTER! A BRAND NEW ONE, THEN PUT YOU IN THE GARBAGE BIN OUTSIDE!  
  
Beet?  
  
Yes, I KNOW it's garbage day on Thursday. Now shut up and work properly!  
  
*No answer.*  
  
Better.  
  
Going back to my story. Luke was skipping over to the campfire, which was quite unusual since he would stay in his tent and wait for the others to finish on other days. On all other days.  
  
"Hi, Dad!" He said eh… joyfully.  
  
"Morning, uh, son."  
  
"Hi, Honey!" He told Mara.  
  
"Hello, Luke."  
  
"Hi, Jacen!"  
  
"Hi, Uncle Luke."  
  
"Hi—"  
  
"Morning, Uncle Luke," Anakin interrupted.  
  
"Why are you so happy on this normal, boring day?" Vader asked.  
  
"Jedi must not be sad! Sadness leads to fear, fear leads to…"  
  
"Yeah, we get it, Uncle Luke," Jacen finished.  
  
Luke scratched his head. "Uh, okay. What are we having for breakfast?"  
  
"Rice," all four announced simultaneously.  
  
"Lunch?"  
  
"Rice," they said together again.  
  
"Don't tell me. Dinner…"  
  
"Rice."  
  
Luke just sighed.  
  
"Sorry," they all said.  
  
"I'm going to win this game," Anakin remarked.  
  
"Right, and I'm a yoga instructor." Jacen chewed on his breakfast.  
  
"Jacen!" Luke bolted upright. "It's YODA, not yoga! And it is THE Yoda. There is only ONE Yoda!"  
  
Suddenly, Yoda appeared out of nowhere, ganged up on our Jedi Master Luke here, then started beating him with his gimmer stick.  
  
"Stupid Jedi you are!" he scolded, green ears twitching. " An embarrassment to the Jedi you are!"  
  
"Ow, ow, ow! What'd you do THAT for, Master Yoda? You're dead, aren't you?"  
  
"In this part of this fic I am not!" Pausing the beating, he took a spot next to Luke.  
  
"Then why'd you call me 'stupid'? I do hear that word very often."  
  
Yoda hit him on his head twice. "Idiot you are! Speaking of YOGA Jacen is!"  
  
"But Master…"  
  
"See? Do for you Yoga I shall!" Yoda then put down his stick, then positioned himself on a mat. A disco ball floated in the air, and with a snap of his fingers, Yoda was doing his version of John Travolta's 'Stayin' Alive'.  
  
"But Master!" Luke shouted through the music. "Is this not what they call 'disco'?"  
  
"So what? Hmm? Disco I like!" Then he started… breakdancing on his head?  
  
"Cool! I wanna learn how to do that too, Yoda!" Anakin yelled.  
  
"Bald you must be! Slippery with hair it is!"  
  
"Oh. Maybe when I'm older."  
  
Then the music stopped, the disco ball disappeared, and Yoda had the stick in his hand again. "Luke! Stupid Jedi you are! Not Yoda Yoga is!'  
  
He hit Luke again on the head then walked to a dark place with fog and lights and trees and disappeared.  
  
Luke was massaging his head when he noticed Mara, Jacen, Anakin, and maybe his dad looking at him.  
  
"Am I glad I'm not you, Uncle Luke." Jacen remarked.  
  
"I'm used to it. Hey, author person," he said to me. "Where'd that all come from?"  
  
"I don't know. I'm bored with this fic."  
  
"But I am Jedi! Jedi are never boring!"  
  
"For the billionth time, Luke, I KNOW you're a Jedi!"  
  
"Well, that's really the second time I heard it."  
  
"Who's counting?"  
  
"I am. And Jedi do know math."  
  
"Stupid Jedi," I grumbled.  
  
"I am NOT stupid! I am…"  
  
"Jedi! I know!"  
  
"Then I am not stupid."  
  
"FOR THE LOVE OF DROIDS!"  
  
"You love droids?"  
  
"No! Just get back to your own… tribe!"  
  
"Okay."  
  
And they ate breakfast and left me alone. There. Now let's flash over to Norub, shall we?  
  
***  
  
Over at the Norub camp, Gavin and Jaina were still receiving the cold shoulder from one another, and they were one less, with Jabba gone.  
  
"Han," Leia called to her still snoring husband. "We have to go to the waterhole"  
  
"Hmm?" Han yawned and stretched as Leia waited at their tent's entrance.  
  
"Come on. Your pal Boba Fett has got some issues."  
  
"Like what?" He said sleepily, getting up and rubbing his head.  
  
"Tell you later. On the way," she explained in a low voice. The next sentence was more of a whisper. "Gavin might hear us."  
  
"Okay."  
  
At the waterhole, they found Bob, Jaina and Chewie waiting. Gavin was still sleeping.  
  
"What is it, Bob?" Han asked Fett.  
  
"I got a problem, Solo," he complained sheepishly.  
  
"I know that, but what is it?"  
  
"Well, you know, Gavin's left…"  
  
Jaina smiled at this.  
  
"…what if we have to vote off one of our own before the.. er… merger?"  
  
"We won't," Jaina stepped forward. "When ten people are left, we merge."  
  
"Okay. Just making sure you guys won't vote me off or anything."  
  
"Sith spit!"  
  
"Leia, what is it?"  
  
"After this, I'm supposed to go on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'."  
  
"What?"  
  
"A game show."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I haven't reviewed on earth history!"  
  
"Who needs history?"  
  
Leia glared at Han. "I do."  
  
Han knew better than to object, so he just kept his mouth shut.  
  
"Do you want us to vote you off?" Jaina asked, sort of perplexed.  
  
'No."  
  
"Then what do you want?" Bob added.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Okay."  
  
***  
  
Uh, okay, so Norub was sort of boring. But at least we got to see Yoda breakdance! Er, I guess that's a good thing…  
  
I'm a little short on this chapter, so let's flash back to the Sandburrow camp…  
  
***  
  
Location: Sandburrow  
  
Date: Chapter Eight  
  
Time: A few hours after Yoda breakdanced  
  
Jacen peered through his uncle's tent where Luke was taking a nap. "Uncle Luke?"  
  
Luke awoke quickly. "What is it, Jacen?"  
  
"I need to speak to you."  
  
"Right now?"  
  
"Yes. Come with me." He led his uncle to a secluded spot with many trees around. After making sure no one could see or hear them, he started. "Uncle Luke, I've got a brilliant idea."  
  
"What?"  
  
"If you never vote for me, I'll never vote for you. That way, we both get into the final two."  
  
"Alright. Is that a good thing?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Are you sure?" Luke scratched his head.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But what if you run for chief of state someday? Should I still not vote for you?"  
  
"No, no! I mean, yes! Or… eh, whatever. Just don't vote for me in this game, but in other matters… that would be different."  
  
"Okay. Does that mean I still vote for you if you run for chief of state?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess."  
  
"I can see it now… Chief of State Jacen Solo! You will lead the New Republic…"  
  
"Uncle Luke!" he interrupted. "I'm not running for chief of state!"  
  
"But you said…"  
  
"No, no, you got it all wrong…"  
  
"Jacen, I am a Jedi Master. I may be wrong in little things, but not in ALL things."  
  
Jacen shook his head and smiled to himself. "I mean… oh, never mind. Just, what do you think?"  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"Of our deal!"  
  
"What deal?"  
  
"If you won't vote for me, I won't vote for you."  
  
"I think it's good."  
  
"So you agree?"  
  
"I would suppose."  
  
"Good. Let's get back to camp. They might suspect something."  
  
"Suspect what, Jacen?"  
  
"That we've got a deal going on."  
  
"But this deal is done, not going on."  
  
"Forget it, Uncle Luke. Just keep it a secret."  
  
"If I forget it, how can I remember it as a secret?"  
  
"Never mind," he replied, pulling Luke towards the direction of their camp.  
  
"How can I 'never' mind, when I use my 'mind' in everything I do?"  
  
"Come on, Uncle Luke!"  
  
"Anakin, come here." Jacen called to his sibling.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just because."  
  
Anakin hesitantly got up from his spot and walked over to his brother.  
  
"Anakin," Jacen whispered. "Come with me."  
  
"Oh, no you don't!" He got up and walked away.  
  
"Wait, Anakin!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I need to show you something!"  
  
"Fine. Just don't bother me any more."  
  
"Alright." He led his sibling to the same spot he and his uncle were just an hour ago. There waiting were Luke and Mara.  
  
"Okay, Jacen, what is it this time? I know you and Uncle Luke have an alliance going on. Don't hide it from me." Anakin glared at his older brother until he looked away.  
  
Luke flinched.  
  
"I admit it! But the real reason I wanted all four of you here is because I want ALL of us in the Final Four. Until then, we never vote for each other."  
  
"Yeah, I hear the merger's coming up after the next Tribal Council," Mara said.  
  
Jacen smiled at his aunt. "My whole point. When and IF we all get to the Final Four, we allow fate to decide then."  
  
"Deal," the three others announced unanimously. Well, almost. Luke was a little late because he didn't know he was supposed to say that.  
  
***  
  
"Welcome to the immunity challenge, teams!" Jeft Proast announced. "Since all our producers have writer's block because the author made them have it because she has it too, we will not be playing the reward challenges for a while. Please bear with us."  
  
A couple of groans erupted. (Jeez, these people groan a lot, don't they?)  
  
"And of course no one is putting up suggestions for the challenges yet, we will be playing a simple game of question and answer today. Norub, you still have one team member, so whoever you think is dumbest must sit out."  
  
Much to his objection, Chewbacca sat out.  
  
"All right teams, it goes like this. One member of your team will step up, one at a time, to go against another member of the other tribe. I will ask you a question, which, thankfully, is not about Regis Philbin, Kathy Lee, or Bill Gates. The author used up all our paper trying to think of a game, so you'll have to signal first.  
  
"Norub, your signal is three or more 'beep's. Sandburrow, yours is three or more 'clang's. Don't blame me if they sound weird, because it's not my fault."  
  
"Hey!" Han shouted. "That's MY line!"  
  
"Whatever. Anyway, choose your wisest members to go first, because this challenge is best of five questions. If you read the manual on the yacht on the way," he glared at Luke, "then you should know the answers to the next questions. If you didn't, well, that's too bad for you. You goes first?"  
  
Norub picked Leia, and Sandburrow picked Mara.  
  
"First question." He paused for a moment, then said, "Who wrote this question? I can't ask you this!"  
  
"Just ask it, Proast!" Mara said loudly.  
  
"Okay, uh, name one of the Backstreet Boys."  
  
"The Backstreet WHO?" Leia asked.  
  
"The Backstreet BOYS!"  
  
Mara sounded first. "Clang, clang, clang," she signaled dryly.  
  
"Sanburrow."  
  
"Lyle?"  
  
"No. Norub?"  
  
"Uh…" Leia's voice trailed off. "Thrawn?"  
  
Jeft sighed. "No. Next question. Who… oh, goodness. Ley me make a correction. It doesn't matter whether or not you read the pamphlet. You probably won't know the answer to the next question. Oh well. Who won the 2000 and 2001 NBA season?"  
  
Both women were perplexed, so Jeft threw the cards over his shoulder then gripped his palms together. "That didn't, and won't work, so let me ask you a tiebreaker question. What's Luke's nickname?"  
  
"Oh! I know! CLANG CLANG CLANG!"  
  
"Yes, Sandburrow?"  
  
"Farmboy." The three Solo kids were snickering and Luke stepped back.  
  
"Correct."  
  
"Yes!" Mara yelled in victory, and Leia shook her hand. By now the three Solo kids were laughing hysterically along with Boba Fett. Luke was studying the dirt at his feet.  
  
***  
  
"Welcome to Tribal Council, Norub," Jeft said. "Finally."  
  
Short "hello's" were heard as the members at down.  
  
"Chewbacca, how's the uh, gas coming along?"  
  
"Mind your own business, Proast."  
  
"Hey, not my fault. Blame the producers. "  
  
"That's MY line!" Han said again.  
  
"Okay, okay."  
  
"How'd you know Uncle Luke's… nickname?" Jaina asked, obviously trying to keep herself from laughing.  
  
"Oh, the author put it in my head."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"It's voting time. Leia, you go first."  
  
As she spoke to the camera, she revealed her vote. "Gavin, you have to go. A promise is a promise."  
  
Then went Han, Bob, Chewie, and Jaina. Gavin was last.  
  
"Jaina Solo," he said, revealing his vote, "I might not be able to get you off the squadron, but I am determined to get you off this game."  
  
Jeft came out with the votes. "Once the votes are read, the decision is final."  
  
He unfolded the first vote as the weird Survivor music plays. "First vote, Gavin. Second vote, Jaina. That's one vote each for Jaina and Gavin. Third vote, Gavin, fourth vote, Gavin, fifth vote, Gavin, last and deciding vote, Gavin."  
  
Gavin stood up, but before he took his torch to Jeft, he turned to Bob and sneered at him. "Traitor," he called. Then his fire was doused.  
  
"Members of Norub, unlike on Survivor Africa…" Jeft started, until he was interrupted by Bob.  
  
"What's Africa?"  
  
Jeft ignored the bounty hunter. "… you will not be trading members on teams. If we did that, people would not be too shocked. The merger may or may not come in three days.  
  
***  
  
I hope this chapter wasn't too boring. I've got really cool ideas that I want to use, but I want to use them in the next chapters, so… hope you don't get too mad at me! Chapters nine and ten coming up very soon… it's merger time!  
  
*** 


	9. AH!!! IT'S... the what?

***  
  
CHAPTER NINE: It is Time! (For What?) The Merger! (The What?) The Merger! (What's That?) Never mind. Just Read the Chapter!  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: Hi, guys! Look! I'm on your computer!  
  
***  
  
CUE SURVIVOR MUSIC  
  
Jeft Proast's voice comes in  
  
"On our last episode: Yoda appears in the Sandburrow camp and starts breakdancing. Norub lost the immunity challenge and voted Gavin Darklighter off. Survivors are down to ten, but will the expected merger come? Who will be the ultimate… Star Wars Survivor?" *In low, background voice* "Can I go now? I have to use the bathroom… I mean, the bush. You got some toilet paper?"  
  
END SURVIVOR MUSIC  
  
***  
  
Ten left. Five Jedi, one Sith, one Wookiee, one bounty hunter, one ambassador and one ex-smuggler. Who will be the one Survivor? (How would I know? That's the whole point of reading this, isn't it?) Yes! Now go away and start reading!  
  
***  
  
At the Norub camp, everyone was happy to hear that the expected merger would come soon. Besides, with Gavin Darklighter gone, there was more unity than the contestants ever saw so far. They didn't need to keep their alliance secret from Gavin, so they spoke freely throughout the days that came along.  
  
However, they were almost out of rice. This Leia noticed when she started preparing breakfast that day. In fact, she estimated that their supply would last them roughly less than two days. Unless they found some more food, or the merger arrived soon, they would starve.  
  
Leia was used to not having enough food to eat. Odds are, though, that this would be a major problem if she needed strength. She knew painfully well that no food, no win.  
  
Where'd that saying come from?  
  
Han arrived, downcast. "What's wrong?" Leia asked.  
  
"It's Chewie."  
  
"What about him?" Leia was worried now. She was used to that too, with all the bad stuff happening…  
  
"It's his… body odor."  
  
At this Leia burst out laughing.  
  
"What's so funny?" Han was perplexed. He didn't even know what he just said was supposed to make you start laughing mad.  
  
Leia tried to calm herself down as Jaina arrived. "What is it, Mom?"  
  
"Nothing, nothing," she tried to assure them.  
  
Jaina tried to… comfort her mother. "Mom? It's okay. We'll get some more food somehow." She hugged her. She thought her mom was going nuts.  
  
"No, it's not that! It's Chewie!"  
  
Han was quiet, obviously still trying to add one and one together and figure out how come his wife was laughing like this.  
  
"What's with Chewie?"  
  
"Two letters honey. 'B' with a capital 'O.'"  
  
Jaina's jaw dropped faster than an ewok who didn't listen to his mother and tried to swing around without experience and of course lost his grip and fell. Her jaw dropped faster than the ewok FELL, of course, not the other parts when he didn't listen to his mother and went out, then found a vine…  
  
Oh, you get it.  
  
Leia counted down in her head. //Three, two one…//  
  
And Jaina burst out laughing.  
  
Now Han was even more perplexed at why his daughter was laughing too. Women. You can never seem to understand them.  
  
"Can someone here tell me why you two are laughing so bad?" Han asked, scratching his head.  
  
"Is Chewie okay?" Jaina managed to ask between breaths.  
  
"Yeah, I guess so." Han replied.  
  
"Then why does he have… body…" Leia was unable to finish her sentence due to an awful stench coming their way. She immediately covered the rice as if it had scent receptors and would disappear.  
  
"Morning," Chewie growled.  
  
Jaina tried to focus on something distant, and struggled to keep herself from using the Force to block out the smell. She wanted to win this thing, after all.  
  
"Chewie," Leia managed, "uh, not meaning to be rude or anything, but, I think you need a bath."  
  
Chewie grunted. "I know," he replied, keeping his distance as the CBS translator strained to interpret what he was saying. He shut the thing off. Grrrrr, riareg! (But the smell won't go away!)  
  
"Did you use the soap we won?" Jaina asked, turning to her hairy uncle.  
  
(Yes, but it won't work.)  
  
"Got any idea as to why?" Han searched.  
  
(I need a razor. Shaving season. Wookiees don't shave, they stink. Can't use the shaver we got. Too thin.)  
  
It was silent for a moment until Han remembered something and reached into his pocket, then pulled a Swiss Army knife. "I think I've got a blade in there that'll do."  
  
Chewie gladly took the razor. (Thanks,) he growled. He walked away, prompting Jaina to take a long, deep breath of fresh air.  
  
"Dad," Jaina pressed, "where'd you get that thing?"  
  
"I don't know," came the reply. "Guess the author knew Chewie's shaving season's coming up.  
  
Leia sighed. "I do NOT want to see Chewie like that again…"  
  
"Like what, mom?"  
  
"Well, whenever Wookiees reach a certain age, they need a shaving season, right? So…ehm, last year… It wasn't as, ah…" She struggled to find the right words. "…not as pleasant, as we thought it would be."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Rice's done." Leia finally announced. "Where's Bob?"  
  
"I think he's still sleeping," Han said.  
  
"Better not wake him then."  
  
"Okay." They all started eating their breakfast, and they finished way before Bob woke up. He ate his breakfast, wondering where Chewie was until Jaina explained the rather embarrassing situation. Bob laughed as well, and Han scratched his head again, still wondering why everyone's laughing all of a sudden. The morning dragged on.  
  
They skipped lunch, then Chewie arrived.  
  
He was a pitiful sight.  
  
Just think. A shaven Wookiee… not exactly beautiful. Huh.  
  
Chewie quickly ignored the stares and walked to his tent.  
  
At around 3:00 in the afternoon, the first rain on this show arrived. It was a light shower at first, but then the skies began to grow darker until it was an outright storm. Norub was camped near the shore. So just take a wild guess on what happened.  
  
"Flood!" Han cried, trying to gather up equipment. Chewie was shivering under the rain, doing his best to help. You can't really blame him. A shaven Wookiee under a storm? Heh, I am so happy this is all fiction. Ha, ha.  
  
Their campfire was put out by the ascending tide. The team members of Norub dashed towards the waterhole, which was roughly in the middle of the island. That, you and I know, is pretty stupid since the hole's gonna overflow anyway.  
  
But they didn't. At least I didn't let them. It's so fun being the author of a fanfic! I can do ANYTHING I want with these sci-fi people, and I'm not even George Lucas! Or Rick McCallum! Or an executive producer at LucasFilm!  
  
I AM SO HAPPY TODAY! I just saw the Episode II trailer for the one hundred and twenty-sith time! I mean, twenty-sixth time! But who's counting?  
  
Anyway, back to my story. Jaina arrived first with a ton of stuff on her back. She spotted the flood and decided to stay away.  
  
"Don't get any closer!" She yelled. "It's flooded!" By the time she noticed her feet were wet, the water was up to her ankles. "Sith spit!" She shouted, then withdrew. "It's flooded at the waterhole! Don't get any nearer! We'll lose our belongings!"  
  
She met up with the rest of her team about two hundred meters back, all of them tired from running under the rain. They all took shelter under a large tree, watching helplessly as the storm that I put in here flooded their waterhole and drenched everything they had.  
  
***  
  
"Blaster bolts!" Jacen gasped. "It's coming nearer!" The flood was also tormenting the other team. This was a deserted island, of course, so they were camped at the shore too, which also was ascending at their end.  
  
"Get all the food! The food!" Mara warned, panting. "We'll starve if they all wash away!"  
  
"If I could only use the Force…" Luke grumbled to himself as he packed as quickly as he could.  
  
Vader's cape was already clinging to his plastic armor--I mean, HEAVILY SHEILDED TITANIUM ALLOY BACK ARMOR—as he struggled to maintain his balance.  
  
Anakin spotted a tin can of biscuits floating away. "No!" He cried loudly, as he dumped his knapsack off his back and made a run for the can, which was quickly being carried away by the current.  
  
"HUTT BREATH!" He screamed. "My knapsack!" Before he knew it, his knapsack was floating away, too, and the only thing he could really do was wade through the tide as quickly as he possibly could.  
  
"Anakin, come back here! We've got to make for higher ground!" He heard his aunt call.  
  
"No! I've GOT to get that knapsack!" He was about two inches from it when the current towed it away. "NOOOOO!"  
  
It was too far away now, too much into the deep waters. "Come on, Anakin!" His brother coaxed, "We've got to get out of here!"  
  
With resentment he waded back towards the shore and picked up whatever he could find. "Let's go," he mumbled softly, though no one could hear him. They scrambled to find shelter.  
  
Once they did, they were all panting, tired from the race with the water. Jacen turned to Anakin. "What was in that sack you were so worried about?"  
  
Anakin shrugged. "Nothing, really."  
  
"I know better, Anakin."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Stop saying 'so' to me. There was something really valuable to you in that bag, wasn't there?"  
  
Anakin shrugged again. "Don't know. Why don't you go find out?"  
  
Jacen ignored the sarcasm. "Come on, tell."  
  
"We're on international Internet, Jacen."  
  
"Come on, it's just a show."  
  
"No."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I SAID NO!"  
  
None of the older people paid any heed to the two brothers. "I'll continue to annoy you if you don't tell me."  
  
Anakin gave up his fight. "Fine," he started, massaging his temples. "My wallet was in it."  
  
And Jacen laughed.  
  
"What's in Anakin's wallet you're laughing about?" Vader asked, suddenly interested.  
  
Jacen could barely explain, so he did between breaths. "Picture… of… friend… Tahiri."  
  
"Who's Tahiri?"  
  
"You haven't been reading the New Jedi Order books?" Jacen asked, now calmed down, but very surprised.  
  
Anakin looked relieved, and he glanced at his aunt and uncle. Luke was napping, and snoring VERY loudly, mind you, and Mara was trying to do the same thing (napping, not snoring), but couldn't since her husband was too loud so she slapped his cheek and he immediately stopped his noise.  
  
"I haven't read the uh, the Enemy Lines duology by the Greg guy. Or the what, Death Star by Star Destroyer?"  
  
"No, silly. It's Star by Star. Stars that are still ALIVE. No death. Okay, maybe SOMEONE dies," he said, sparing a glance at his brother.  
  
"Who did?" Vader asked eagerly.  
  
"I really shouldn't tell you."  
  
"Aww, PLEASE, pretty, pretty please?" He removed his helmet and did his best cute, sad, puppy dog eyes. Jacen looked away in disgust. The old Anakin Skywalker does not look ANYTHING like a little girl who wants candy. Okay, so neither does the young one.  
  
"Maybe you should put that back on, Grandpa." Anakin was staring at the wet soil in front of him as his brother said this, motioning towards the old man's helmet.  
  
"If I do, will you tell me?"  
  
Jacen resigned. "Okay, okay."  
  
"Alright!" Vader put his helmet back on and leaned on a tree trunk.  
  
  
  
**WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS PART. MAJOR SPOILER AHEAD! DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.**  
  
  
  
**LAST CHANCE NOT TO READ THIS.**  
  
  
  
**OKAY, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.**  
  
  
  
**ALRIGHT, IF YOU INSIST.**  
  
  
  
"Anakin."  
  
Vader gasped, then looked at Anakin, who was simply observing the rain falling.  
  
"Then who's Tahiri?" the older Anakin managed.  
  
Jacen snickered, then announced. "His girlfriend."  
  
"She is NOT my girlfriend!" Anakin suddenly said, getting up from his spot.  
  
Jacen did not bother to argue. He simply waved his brother away and smiled.  
  
Vader was wheezing through his mask.  
  
"Grandpa, are you okay?" Jacen asked, not really concerned whether the old man died here or not because he knew was to be dead anyway.  
  
"Can't an old man laugh these days?"  
  
"Oh, sorry."  
  
"I said, she is NOT my girlfriend!" Anakin defended.  
  
"Then who IS she?" Jacen challenged lightly.  
  
"She's my best friend."  
  
"Ha, ha, I read Conquest, Anakin. You said, *in high tone, not to mention mocking* 'I LOOOOOOVVVVEEEE you, Tahiri.'" Jacen batted his eyelashes all girly-like, smiled sweetly at his brother, and hugged himself. Then he threw kisses into the air. "Ah, my Romeo…" He rolled his 'r'.  
  
"Shut up, Jacen." Anakin slumped back in his place under the trees, his cheeks red.  
  
The rain was slowing down.  
  
"What?" Jacen asked innocently. "You keep an image of her in your wallet. I saw it."  
  
Vader watched all this with amusement. Luke was snoring again, and Mara was watching the two brothers too, smiling faintly.  
  
Anakin rolled his eyes and swatted away his brother's comment, then suddenly brightened up as an idea came to mind. "So, Jacen, if you could marry just ONE person, would it be… Tenel Ka? Or Danni Quee?"  
  
Jacen's face was painted bright crimson.  
  
"So… who'd it be?"  
  
Mara was snickering softly.  
  
"Don't ask me that."  
  
"And why not? You humiliated me with the photo thing. At least I have only ONE girlfriend." Hee, hee.  
  
Vader was wheezing again.  
  
"Gee, and they HAD to put you on the show in my team," Jacen grumbled. "Wish I just had Jaina."  
  
"You didn't answer my question yet," Anakin insisted.  
  
"And I don't plan to."  
  
"Guys, break it up," came Mara's voice. "Anakin, leave Jacen alone. Jacen, keep away from Anakin."  
  
"But, Aunt Mara—" Jacen started.  
  
"No 'buts'."  
  
"Yes, Aunt Mara," Anakin replied dryly. Jacen simply nodded.  
  
Mara burst. So did Vader.  
  
That was sort of shocking, wasn't it? Blood and—oh, wrong story. They were laughing just in case you didn't know.  
  
"What?" Anakin asked.  
  
"Okay, I can't help it. It's just that—" Mara paused just for a quick puff of oxygen. "It's just so funny watching two young men talk about…uh…love."  
  
Jacen knew his grand father was smiling behind his helmet.  
  
"What?" Anakin asked again. "So?"  
  
"Oh, nothing. Come one, the rain's gone. Let's find a new place to set up camp. By the way, who's Romeo, Jacen?"  
  
***  
  
"Rain's done," Leia announced. "We should camp right here. It's close to the waterhole but we're sure it won't flood."  
  
"Okay," Han and Jaina grunted.  
  
"Chewie, are you okay?" Jaina asked, concerned.  
  
(Yeah, yeah. Let's go.)  
  
Bob was using the bathroom.  
  
***  
  
The clearing was still damp with dew, and the teams each stood in their respective places, but everyone was perplexed at why Jeft wasn't there.  
  
"Hey!" Bob shouted. "Where's the host?"  
  
"He's sick!" I told everyone.  
  
Luke came forward… again. Doesn't this guy ever learn? "Ben?"  
  
"FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, LUKE, I'M THE AUTHOR! You won't be seeing any dead people in this fic!"  
  
"But Haley Joel Osment did," Luke said.  
  
"Well, this isn't 'The Sixth Sense', is it?"  
  
"Uh, no…"  
  
"Well, then, unless I put it in my story beforehand, like Yoda, you're not going to be hearing any dead people. Now go away."  
  
When everyone was settled, I announced, "Okay, your host is sick, because he got diarrhea or something. So for now, I'm your host, got it?"  
  
Nods were seen.  
  
"Okay, then, you're all part of a team now. Think of a name, then make a flag, then move into your new camp. This is an individual immunity challenge, so whoever wins this thing cannot be voted out, but you may vote out anybody else you want. Your entire team will be at Tribal Council.  
  
"Okay, I will have to materialize there, so hold on a minute."  
  
Then I went into my own fic. Cool, huh?  
  
Vader apparently gasped in horror. "You where correction lenses!"  
  
"Yeah? So what?"  
  
"Nothing, just…"  
  
"Good. Don't waste my time. If ya look over there, there are straw targets. You will get a bow and an arrow, the arrowhead lit with fire. If you do not get the thing on fire, you are eliminated from this round. Whoever lights up the target is a winner. If we have a tie, we will simply go into a tiebreaker round where the targets are much farther. Okay, Luke, you're first."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yes, you! Come over here!"  
  
"Alright, alright already."  
  
Luke positioned himself at the starting line, aimed, then fired. It missed, and landed at the target's feet, in the damp sand.  
  
"Sorry, Luke. Mara, you're next."  
  
Mara did the same, only it did light up the target, and the former Sandburrow team members cheered.  
  
"Cool. Next."  
  
And so it went. Han missed, Chewbacca missed, Leia missed, *yawn* Bob missed, Anakin got it, Jaina got it, Jacen got it, and Vader missed.  
  
"Okay, then, so, it's a four-way tie. Jaina, Jacen, Mara, and Anakin. Mara is up first again."  
  
She missed.  
  
"Anakin."  
  
He missed.  
  
"Jaina."  
  
She got it.  
  
"Jacen."  
  
He got it.  
  
"Ah, I've always wanted to see this. Brother versus sister. I REALLY want to see this. In this tiebreaker round, you will both go at the same time. Only shoot your arrow when I tell you to. Now, as you can see, the targets are much farther. Whoever gets it, or whoever is closest to it, wins.  
  
"Take your positions. Ready, aim…"  
  
Bows stretched.  
  
"Fire!"  
  
Fling! Jacen's arrow hit the ground prematurely, as did Jaina.  
  
"Okay, according to the tape measure, Jaina wins."  
  
Cheers erupted.  
  
"See you guys at Tribal Council!"  
  
***  
  
Ten new team members entered, now a new tribe.  
  
"Welcome, Survivors. Since the producers have no control over me, I do not have to say all the saliva wasting things Jeft is obligated to say. So here goes. Vote off anyone you do not like."  
  
Ten members later, the author (me) emerged with the votes.  
  
"Okay," I announced, "Darth Vader. Second vote, Darth Vader, Third, Boba Fett, Fourth, Boba Fett, Fifth, Boba Fett, Sixth, Darth Vader. So, Boba Fett, and Darth Vader, you two are tied. Next vote."  
  
CUE SURVIVOR MUSIC  
  
"Will someone shut that thing off?" The author complained.  
  
CUE END SURVIVOR MUSIC  
  
"Thank you. Jeez. Okay, next vote, Darth Vader. Eighth vote, eh, um… hold on a second… oh, okay. It says, Bounty Hunter. So that's Boba Fett. Ninth vote, Boba Fett, and last and deciding vote, Fett. Bob, sorry. You gotta go."  
  
The bounty hunter stood and reluctantly took his torch. I've always wanted to do this!  
  
And his fire was put out.  
  
Nine Survivors left.  
  
***  
  
Alrighty, hope that chapter was cool. Thanks to Grand Admiral Jello for his suggestion for a challenge. Gonna use it soon! More reviews, people, please, and more suggestions for the reward/ immunity challenges! Appreciate it… Oh, whatcha think of this: Star Wars: The Amazing Race? Let me know what you think of it!  
  
*** 


	10. The Journey Into Unknown Territories (Ye...

***  
  
CHAPTER TEN: The Merge (By golly, gee whiz! How unique! And special! Jeez. You'd think I'd have more imagination that that.)  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: This chapter was late because I am legally grounded for a month, but my use of the computer is a temporary waiver for now. Add to that the fact that I do not feel very happy that the Rams lost the Superbowl. Please bear with me. No, there aren't Yogi bears here. Read on!  
  
***  
  
CUE SURVIVOR MUSIC  
  
"Hey! Jeft Proast might put up with that music, but I don't! Shut it off!" The author (me) said loudly.  
  
END SURVIVOR MUSIC  
  
"Don't you guys every learn? Gee, I guess you don't, come to think of it. Now, Jeft is still sick, so I'm the master of ceremonies for now. So, anyway, Boba Fett go voted off on the last episode and now they're gonna be one team. There. Now go on."  
  
***  
  
"I think we should take a left here," Luke announced, somewhat hesitantly. "Then go straight for twelve meters."  
  
"I think we're lost," Jacen said.  
  
"No, we're not," Luke replied, sparing a glance at his nephew. "We'll be there in no time."  
"Look, honey, I think you should give ME the map," Mara tried.  
  
"No! I'll do it."  
Vader was losing his patience. "Son, give me the map!"  
"I asked first!" Mara objected.  
  
"Well, I'm his father!"  
  
"And I'm his WIFE!"  
"Let me see!" Anakin yelled.  
  
"I want to see it, too!" Jacen pleaded.  
  
Luke was not amused. "We'll never get there, if we fight! Jedi must band together..."  
"Oh, shut up with that Jedi things, okay?" Vader interrupted. "Let me see the map!"  
All of a sudden they started speaking at the same time and you couldn't (at least I couldn't) sometimes distinguish who spoke what.  
  
"I said it first!"  
"But I want to see it!"  
  
"You're no good at reading maps!"  
"And who said you were?"  
  
"Uh..."  
"GIVE IT TO ME!"  
"I WANT IT!"  
  
"I'm good at reading maps! Give it to ME!"  
"Over my dead body!"  
"HEY! GET OFF ME!"  
"GET YOUR BUTT OFF MY FACE!"  
  
They were all on top of poor Luke, who was clutching the map like there was no tomorrow, and pretty soon there was a huge dust ball like the stuff you see in cartoons when there's a big brawl.  
  
"LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE!'  
  
"Not in your life!"  
  
"GET OFF ME, JACEN!"  
  
"EEW! YOUR ARMPITS STINK!"  
"WELL, GOOD FOR YOU!"  
  
"AAAAAAHHHH!" Came the blood-churning scream. "STINKBUG!"  
  
"IT'S ON MY FACE!" Anakin squealed in agony. "SOMEONE GET IT OFF!"  
  
"I've fallen and I can't get up," Vader said quietly.  
  
"Where's the map?" Luke wondered aloud.  
  
"There it is!" Came Mara.  
  
"Someone get this bug off my face! It's on my nose!"  
"Who cares?" Jacen asked, unconcerned. "Get the map!"  
  
"I've got it!" Mara yelled. Luke was scratching his head, trying to make sense of what was happening here.  
  
"Hello?" Vader pleaded. "I can't get up!"  
  
"That's because you've got such a heavy butt!" The cameraman replied.  
  
"Shut up! You're not in this chapter!" Mara yelled, the map cradled in her hands.  
  
"Oh, sorry."  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Anakin screamed again. "IT'S ON MY EYE! SOMEONE! HELP!"  
  
"Why should I care?" Jacen shrugged.  
  
"Get it off! Get it off!"  
  
"Stay still, will you?" Mara ordered, the map tucked away in a hidden pocket. "It's on your mouth! Don't open your mouth!"  
  
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPHHHHHHH!" Anakin moaned loudly.  
  
"Where in the worlds is the map?" Vader asked, finally on his feet.  
  
"I don't have it!" Luke stated seriously.  
  
Jacen was nowhere to be found.  
  
"I said, don't move, Anakin!"  
  
Anakin stayed still, much to his better judgement.  
  
"My armpits are sweaty," Luke stated.  
  
"Why should WE care? Someone get me a fly swatter!"  
  
Anakin's eyes widened in horror as he attempted to shake his head.  
  
"I said, someone get me a fly swatter! This kid's dying here!" Mara ordered harshly.  
  
"He's not dying!" Vader corrected, the ancient fly swatter in hand.  
  
"Yes he is! Now get away! This thing could explode anytime!"  
  
Mara carefully tried to lift the bug away from her horrified nephew's mouth, but to no avail.  
  
The bug exploded, releasing a smell so strong I could almost smell it. Heh, poor cameraguy. Lucky he was tougher than Joe was. Or whatever the other cameraperson's name was.  
  
On instinct, Anakin screamed, and the bug, still spraying its toxic, dropped straight down into you know where.  
  
I think you could guess what happened next.  
  
Mara screamed in terror. "ANAKIN!"  
  
Jacen arrived, unable to suppress the laughter that had built up inside him ever since this stinkbug caper had started.  
  
Anakin bolted upright, coughing the poor, confused bug (like I care) who was, by now, dead. He (Anakin, not the bug) spit everywhere, his face pale and blue, he teeth marked with the orange color where the bug had "accidentally" been bitten.  
  
Gross. Even I am disgusted.  
  
"Water!" Mara screamed, the only one obviously concerned about her, uh, patient. Luke was studying his armpits, about a hundred yards away, apparently missing everything, and Jacen was laughing hysterically.  
  
Vader was wheezing as he ran to the waterhole as fast as his feet could take him. Soon he brought with him a jar of fresh water, which Mara offered to Anakin.  
  
Anakin coughed the water out, convinced it was not safe, given the fact that the bug's orange spray was still on his teeth. He took his sleeve and scrubbed it off. He didn't dare feel with his tongue if it was gone.  
  
Vader watched this escapade with amusement.  
  
Luke came back. "Is everyone all right?"  
  
They all looked at him as if he were the dumbest person in the entire world.  
  
"What?"  
  
No one answered him. Anakin resigned and dropped to his back, panting heavily. Jacen could not suppress a grin. Vader thought these people were all wackos.  
  
***  
  
The former Norub camp was not without disunity, either. The previous night, Han was furious at Chewbacca for his confession that he did break the alliance with Boba Fett and voted against the disposed-of bounty hunter. That night Han had decided to kick Chewie off the next Tribal Council.  
  
"I don't care if you didn't like him, Chewbacca!" Han had said. "You broke a legal and respectful promise!"  
  
(It's not my fault! He...)  
  
"Yes it IS your fault! Now WE are in the minority! You see what your attitudes have brought us now?"  
(Don't parent me, Solo! Just because I owe you...)  
  
"A life debt?" Han had interrupted again. "Ah, thank you for reminding me, Chewbacca. You have no right to tell me anything of your babbles. I'm not parenting you! I'm telling you, clear and straight, that you DON'T belong here. You don't DESERVE to even be in this game!  
  
(Okay, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to...)  
  
"Just shut your big Wookiee mouth, would you? Just leave me alone!"  
  
Now, the following morning, as Leia led the team towards their new camp, Han had given his best (or should I say ex-best) friend the cold shoulder, although the Wookiee was apologetic, and had pleaded for their forgiveness.  
  
Jaina didn't care, nor did Leia, that Boba Fett had been voted out. No one really like him anyway. Apparently Han was not in the same frame of mind.  
  
The journey was long, particularly when you have pounds of supplies on your back, and the sun is sweating you up. They took a break every fifteen minutes or so.  
  
No one realized that the so-called island was this big. Trekking through the damp sand under a sweltering sun made the trip even more difficult. After two hours, Jaina finally spotted a green flag.  
  
"There it is! There it is!" Jaina yelled in victory.  
  
There was no name painted on the flag, further assuring the former Norub tribe mates that they had not made a wrong turn.  
  
There was a note in a brown thing tied to a tree, and Leia read it out loud.  
  
"Welcome, Survivors, to your new home for the rest of this game. You will find seven tents pitched for you. The two couples will stay in the double tents, the rest, find your own. There is a full sack of rice nearby. The waterhole is not far way.  
  
"However, this part of the island is not completely paradise. This is the area in which many snakes and wild animals have been heard to roam. If you are the first group to arrive, start finding wood to encircle your camp to protect it from large animals and start setting up your fence.  
  
"If you are the second, do the same thing. Assign someone to set up a campfire. Keep it burning at all hours. If it burns out, with the exception of rain, then your tribe will be assessed a penalty. The punishment? We're not telling you.  
  
"Rest assured, however, of nothing."  
  
Leia scratched her head. "Odd," she concluded.  
  
They all started doing as they were told.  
  
What else could they do? Nothing really. Funny. Not.  
  
***  
  
"WHERE IN THE WORLDS ARE WE, LUKE?!" Vader said, exasperated.  
  
"I know, I know... hold on a second..."  
  
"Give me the map, Luke," Mara said again.  
  
"Fine," Luke said, giving up. "May the Force be with you on this one, Mara."  
  
"Hmm," Mara thought out loud, taking the map.  
  
They all stood silent as Mara peered at the drawing. She snapped her fingers. "Aha!"  
  
She turned the map upside down. Or right side up. "You were reading it the wrong way."  
Luke shrugged. "Oh. Even Jedi make mistakes."  
"Come on," she finally said, leading the way.  
  
Pretty soon, they were peeking at the Norub members putting the finishing touches on their new camp.  
  
"Oh, brother," Vader said, "here comes the competition.  
  
Eyeing Jaina, Jacen corrected, "More like, `oh sister.'" He slapped his forehead. "What have we done."  
"What do you mean?" Luke asked, perplexed. Anakin was too busy checking and rechecking his teeth.  
  
"We shouldn't have voted off Boba Fett," Jacen said in a low tone so only he and Luke could hear. "Chewie's gonna win everything."  
"Not necessarily," Mara said, apparently overhearing Jacen. "I hear Han doesn't like him much."  
  
Jacen whistled. "That's my dad. Always changing his mind."  
As they approached the camp, Chewbacca growled a welcome and waved. They all waved back.  
  
The other ex-Norub members turned and all smiled, then walked out to greet them.  
  
"What took you, brother?" Jaina asked, punching her twin in the shoulder.  
  
Jacen shrugged. "What's new? Everything takes me."  
After small talk and pleasantries, which Leia specialized in, the former Sandburrow members settled in and started helping their new teammates. It was almost dark when they finished the fence, which, after several hours' work under the sun, gave them all a new sense of accomplishment.  
  
Right...  
  
So... the remaining nine Survivors gathered around the campfire to have there usual meal, rice with rice with rice. The women, with the exception of Jaina, who did not find cooking enjoyable, and Darth Vader cooked the meal.  
  
They started conversing, and that's the problem with nine people, as you know from previous chapters. With my superior author powers I once again manipulate the fic. Cool, huh?  
  
Han: What have you guys been doing lately?  
  
Anakin: Nothing much.  
  
Vader: Yep. Boring.  
  
Jacen: Well, Anakin chewed on a stinkbug by accident this morning.  
  
Jaina and Han nearly choked on their food. Han was sympathetic to the poor kid; Jaina, the ever-knowing sibling, could not suppress a grin.  
  
Han: You alright, kid?  
  
Anakin: Yes, I am dad. *Rolls eyes* There you go again with the `kid' stuff. I'm not a kid anymore.  
  
Han: That's what they all say.  
  
Luke: Me included.  
  
Han: Hey, you'll always be a kid to me.  
  
Luke: I know. Ever wonder why you married a kid?  
  
Han: What?  
  
Luke: Leia.  
  
Han: Oh, she's a lot more mature than you are, kid.  
  
Luke: Well, I'm a Jedi. That counts.  
  
Han: Who said it did?  
  
Mara: You sound exactly like Anakin and Jacen.  
  
Anakin: Who said we were in this?  
  
Mara: Forget it.  
  
For a few moments silence followed. I said `few', folks. That's not a lot.  
  
Leia: SO what's going to be our name?  
  
Mara: Why don't we name ourselves `Maniacmotchi?'  
  
Vader: Sounds okay to me.  
  
Han: Fine. We're the Maniacmotchis then.  
  
The younger people snickered.  
  
Jacen: So...what's been happening on your side of the island?  
  
Leia: The flood almost wiped out our supplies.  
  
Anakin: I can sympathize with you.  
  
Jaina, suddenly interested: What happened?  
  
Anakin shrugged.  
  
Jacen: He lost his knapsack.  
  
Leia: What was in it?  
  
Han: Yeah?  
  
Jacen: He'd kill me if I told.  
  
Vader: You already told me.  
  
Jacen: Good point.  
  
Luke: I want to know what happened as well.  
  
Anakin: Thank goodness you were dozing when Jacen spilled.  
  
Luke: I never `doze'! I meditate!  
  
Anakin: Whatever.  
  
Jacen: It's late. I'm sleepy. I'll tell you in the morning.  
  
After several pleas, which were all futile, they hesitantly traveled to their tents and enjoyed a good rest.  
  
***  
  
"So? What happened?" Jaina said, alone at the campfire. "Come one, Jace. Tell."  
"I didn't know you were up so early." Jacen yawned, the breeze spilling into his lungs.  
  
"Well, I guess I am."  
  
Taking a spot near his sister, he explained all that had gone before.  
  
Jaina whistled softly. "Pretty interesting." She reported the Chewbacca stink issue and Boba Fett's alliance.  
  
"Poor Chewie. Must feel really bad," Jacen said softly.  
  
***  
  
The next few days went on without incident. They all eventually learned of what happened at the other's camp, and they all had their fair share of embarrassments. The immunity challenge crept near.  
  
***  
  
"Welcome to the immunity challenge, survivors," I started (from now on I will refer to myself as `the author') I was once again in my fic. (Okay, so from NOW on I will call myself the author.)  
  
"In this challenge, you see a cloning machine. Mace, please step forward."  
Mace Windu, all nine of him, came from behind me.  
  
"Let's see you can put Mace's," the author snickered.  
  
"What?" came a question. (Duh, I mean, it couldn't be a regular sentence since it had a question mark.)  
  
"It sounds like `Macy's'." No response. "The department store?" No response. "Forget it. Anyway, shine his head as best you can for ten seconds. Shiniest head wins."  
"On your mark, get set, go."  
The survivors rubbed furiously, except Luke, who was pretending he was shining some porcelain thing. Weird.  
  
THIRTY SECONDS LATER  
  
"Okay, okay, stop! Let's see..." The author stepped around, inspecting the heads. "Well, well, well, looks like Anakin's Windu's head is shiniest. He wins immunity!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"Okay, Windu, I mean, Windus, please step back inside the decloning machine."  
The technician had a look of horror about him. "It's malfunctioning!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"It doesn't work!"  
"Oh, great. Must I take care of ALL the work?" With my superior author powers, I decloned Mace and sent him back to his own time realm. "Now that that's taken cared of, see you tonight at Tribal Council."  
  
***  
  
"Welcome to Tribal Council," the author remarked dryly. "Chewbacca, you go first."  
Nine members later, the author came back with the vote basket in her hands.  
  
"Okay. Chewbacca, Chewie, Chewbacca, Vader, Chewbacca, Chewbacca, Chewbacca, Chewbacca, Chewie. Guess that takes care of it. Off you go, hairball. I mean, Chewbacca."  
The Wookiee unhappily took his torch and strode to the author. "Sorry, Chewie."  
  
Eight Survivors left. Who will win this game?  
  
***  
  
Well, that was interesting! Chapter Eleven might come a little later than we would all like it, but as I said earlier I am legally grounded and this is a temporary waiver. I also have tons of homework too. I'll do my best. To Melima8788 and Grand Admiral Jello, thanks for your suggestions. I plan to use them both in the upcoming chapters, if not in the next. Anyway I appreciate your reviews, so all of you keep suggesting some challenges for me, and tell me who you would want to win! KEEP READING!  
  
***  
  
Chapter finished 2/ 4/ 02 (Feb. 4, 2002) 


	11. An Itchy Challenge

***  
  
CHAPTER TEN: The More Things Change (Oh, really...)  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: Look Dad! Look at how many reviews I got! Oh wait, I shouldn't have put that here in the author's note...  
  
Dad: Cool, kiddo.  
  
Me: Dad! This is MY story!  
  
Dad: Well, I just said `cool'.  
  
Me: *voice fading, embarrassed* Thanks, Dad...  
  
Luke: Fading? Who's fading? Another Jedi's dying and I don't know about it? That's not supposed to happen! And Jedi, embarrassed! This is purposterus! I...  
  
Me: Luke! You're NOT supposed to be in the author's note! What are you, a lunatic?!  
  
Luke: I am Jedi! I am Jedi!  
  
Me: Yeah, I know that, dumb!  
  
Luke: I am NOT dumb! I am...  
  
Me: Jedi! I know that! You just said it!  
  
Luke: Then why don't you call me that?  
  
Me: Well, DUH! `Cause you ARE dumb!  
  
Luke: But you just acknowledged that I am a Jedi! *glances around, obviously confused*  
  
Me: *exasperated, in undertone* What the heck did I ever see anything in you to put you in my fic...  
  
Luke: *seriously* I can't hear you! If we are to have a conversation, I must be able to hear what you're speaking of.  
  
Me: *shouting* LUKE! JUST GET OUT OF THE AUTHOR'S NOTE AND GET BACK TO MY STORY!  
  
Luke: Do not shout! I see that you are angry. Anger leads to ha...  
  
Me: *cutting off Luke* Hate leads to suffering, and suffering is of the Dark Side. I know! Duh! I'm a Star Wars fan! I'm SUPPOSED to know! Jeez, that's why I'm writing this fic!  
  
Luke: There's that `duh' word again. You say it often. Is it a curse of some sort?  
  
Me: HOW MANY TIMES MUST I... GRRR!!! *curls hands into fists, then talks in sweet, sarcastic voice* No, it ISN'T a curse, Luke. It's a figure of speech...  
  
Luke: What's a `figure of speech'?  
  
Me: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! NOW...  
  
Luke: Anything that concerns me is my business. You are conversing with me. This concerns...  
  
Me: JUST GET BACK INTO THE FIC OR ELSE I'LL MAKE YOU WEAR A DRESS!  
  
Luke: Is that not good?  
  
Me: NO! STUPID!  
  
Luke: Jedi.  
  
Me: STUPID!  
  
Luke: Jedi!  
  
Me: AAAARRRGGHH! JEDI NINCOMPOOP!  
  
Luke: What's a nin...  
  
Me: JUST GET BACK INTO THE FIC, WON'T YOU?  
  
Luke: I like it here.  
  
Jacen: Hi, author. Hi, Uncle Luke.  
  
Me: HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET HERE?  
  
Jacen: I don't know.  
  
Me: Great...  
  
Luke: Why do you say that it's great but it seems you do not like it?  
  
Han: How'd I get in here?  
  
Me: WHAT THE...  
  
Leia: Well, hello.  
  
Me: NOW WAIT A MINUTE...  
  
Jaina: Where in the worlds am I supposed to be?  
  
Me: Great, now we're one big happy fami...  
  
Mara: Uh...  
  
Me: OKAY WHAT IS...  
  
Vader: Um, hello?  
  
Me: Oh, no...  
  
Anakin: Someone get me out of here!  
  
Me: WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE? YOU'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY FIC! NOT IN THE AUTHOR'S NOTE!  
  
Jacen: It's not my fault!  
  
Han: That's MY line!  
  
Jaina: Whose line IS it anyway?  
  
Anakin: Isn't that a game show?  
  
Me: Oh gee...  
  
Mara: What am I doing here?  
  
Vader: My head itches.  
  
Luke: You seem angered and anger is...  
  
Me: Quit it with the Jedi stuff already! All of you, get out of my bedroom and into the fic!  
  
All: How?  
  
Me: I DON'T KNOW! HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?  
  
All: How would we know...  
  
Me: *exasperated and frustrated* Stupid Star Wars characters!  
  
Mara: You know, we could sue you for that.  
  
Me: Well ha, ha, you're a fictional character.  
  
Leia: We are?  
  
Me: *scoffs* Uh, duh! What do you think you are? Real?! *sarcastically* Ha, ha, ha.  
  
Anakin: I'm very confused...  
  
Vader: Aren't we supposed to be playing Survivor?  
  
Jaina: My contract doesn't say anything about this.  
  
Me: Please, just be quiet... I have a migraine coming...  
  
Han: What's a migraine?  
  
Me: Why must you make this so difficult...  
  
All except Luke: *sarcastically* Aren't we supposed to do that?  
  
Me: GO! GET OUT! Must I do everything around here? *snaps fingers, characters materialize into story*  
  
Anakin: Sorry, I had to use the bathroom.  
  
Me: Oh, great. *snaps fingers again and Anakin disappears*  
  
TV: Watch! Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, coming May 2002.  
  
Me: *sarcastically* Like I am after this little incident.  
  
Luke: You are?  
  
Me: GET OUT!  
  
Luke: All right.  
  
Dad: *whistles* Boy, that was interesting. Go finish your chapter.  
  
Me: Thanks, Dad...  
  
Dad: Then help me with the dishes and dinner.  
  
Me: But Dad...  
  
Dad: Ahem?  
  
Me: Yes, father dear...  
  
***  
  
Author's Note to the Rest of You Folks: Sorry for that little escapade there. I'm still officially grounded, mind you. My brother uploaded this for me. Anyway on with the show! I mean, fic!  
  
***  
  
CUE SURVIVO--  
  
"HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY IT?" The MC.. er, the author said loudly. "I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT MUSIC ANYMORE!"  
  
END SURVIVOR MUSIC  
  
"Gee, how stupid. Man. Okay. So. Their new name is Maniacmotchi, and they voted Chewbacca out in the last chapter. Blah, blah, blah."  
  
***  
  
"Are you guys awake yet?" The author yelled, stalking towards the... er, Maniacmotchi camp.  
  
Suddenly, an annoying strange creature pooped up into my fic. "Mesa culled..."  
  
I think you know who I'm talking about.  
  
"... Jar Jar Binks!"  
  
"How the heck did YOU get in here?"  
  
"Mesa have no idea! Mesa jus fixing garden, then poof! Mesa in here! Whosa are yousa?"  
  
The author rolled her eyes. Annoying retarded Gungan. "I am the author. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have job to do."  
  
"Whatsa your job? Mesa wants to helpa yousa!"  
  
"Mind your own business, demented creature."  
  
"Mesa not demented creature. Mesa culled Jar Jar Binks!"  
"Whatever. Now go away."  
Of course, the guy we have all come to know and love as the Gungan Jar Jar did not go away as the helpless author could do nothing but allow the... THING to tag along.  
  
"Who's the Gungan, author?" Anakin asked, looking up from his spot around the campfire.  
  
"Jar Jar. Bet you've heard of him."  
  
"Uh.... yeah. Uncle Luke told me about a strange Gungan tagging along his mentor, Master Kenobi."  
"Mm-hmm. I know all about it. Don't ask how."  
  
"Okay, I won't."  
  
"Is everyone else awake?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Good. Tell everyone to meet me at the challenge clearing in fifteen minutes."  
"Will that be standard, Bespin, Correlian..."  
  
"Standard!"  
"Oh. Okay."  
With Jar Jar in tow, the author walked out of sight. For now.  
  
"Hey, Jacen!" Anakin called.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We have to go to the challenge clearing."  
"Fine, fine. I'll go get Mom and Dad."  
  
***  
  
"Welcome to the reward challenge, Survivors! In this game you are gonna hafta..."  
"Whatsa hafta?" Jar Jar interrupted.  
  
"Just shut up, okay, Jar Jar? Sit in a corner or something."  
  
"Okey day."  
  
"So, anyway, you're playing for, tantanantan!"  
  
The survivors feasted their eyes on the coast, where a small yacht was waiting. They got the message. "Three days, two nights, on this luxury boat. Food, shower, bed. Everything. One catch, though."  
  
A couple of survivors held their breaths, anticipating what was to come next. Uncovering a huge square box, the author eyes its contents. Spiders. Loose, crawling, spiders.  
  
Everyone was staring wide-eyed.  
  
"Now, don't worry, survivors, these are not poisonous. We would not want you to die, since we would want to read about you in upcoming New Jedi Order books, right? Right. So. There are seven more of these boxes, and each survivor will be in it." The author snapped her fingers, and seven more uncovered boxes full of loose crawling spiders appeared. "Person who lasts the longest in there wins."  
Each contestant got in, somewhat tentatively. Some gulped before they did, some close their eyes and tried to sleep. "Time starts now."  
  
The clock was ticking as spiders crawled over, under and around them. Han and Mara had their fists curled, Luke appeared to be sleeping, and Darth Vader was pushing some off his body. Jaina squished one with her foot, Anakin had his mouth shut tight. Jacen and Leia squirmed.  
  
ELAPSED TIME: TWO HOURS.  
  
Not being able to take it anymore, Leia banged the box's door, which burst open, revealing a sweating woman, scratching and itching everywhere. She smiled weakly as she walked to the bench, watching and wondering who would be next, all at the same time grabbing a lose bug from under her shirt.  
  
ELAPSED TIME: TWO HOURS FIFTEEN MINUTES.  
  
Jacen was next. Not too strong willed, the young man bolted out, shaking his head. "I'm never doing that again," he mumbled.  
  
ELAPSED TIME: THREE HOURS FIFTY-TWO MINUTES.  
  
Han and Luke came out at almost the same time. Though Luke was calmer, both were sweating profusely (A/N: EEEEEEEWWWWWW!)  
  
ELAPSED TIME: FIVE HOURS TWENTY-THREE MINUTES.  
  
Darth Vader was not as tough as he assumed he would be. He was scratching himself all over, where, despite his armor, spiders had infiltrated. He couldn't wait to get some cream on this or something. You know, like on Vogue or Cosmo (A/N I read neither, just in case you were wondering).  
  
ELAPSED TIME: SEVEN HOURS AND THIRTY-SEVEN MINUTES.  
  
Jaina and Anakin were left, and they both watched with envy as the other survivors were being treated to a little reward. A slice of cheese pizza. Yum.  
  
The author approached their boxes, where each was scratching their arms, legs, head, hands, feet. "First one who comes out gets this." A juicy slice of Prime Rib, with mashed potatoes on the side.  
  
Jaina and Anakin both moaned at the torture they were presently enduring.  
  
ELAPSED TIME: TEN HOURS AND FOURTY-EIGHT MINUTES.  
  
It was now dark, and Han was snoring, leaning on Leia's shoulder (sort of sounds like that old song `Lean on Me', yeah?). Both sibling knew it would be tough race, both of them headstrong and strong-willed. Fearless would be a word too soft to describe both their personalities.  
  
Anakin's mouth was still shut, as he recalled his fellow survivor pals eating up the Prime Rib offered to them hours earlier. The present wager was now a large, nay, huge serving of fried chicken, complete with fried rice and soda.  
  
Jaina grabbed a bug from under her shirt and tossed it against the inside of the box, which resulted in a massacre of dead spiders. Anakin was wriggling around, apparently trying to find a spider under his clothes.  
  
Both were drooling as the author came and smiled at the food.  
  
ELAPSED TIME: ELEVEN HOURS AND TWENTY-ONE MINUTES.  
  
By now the author was nodding off, too. Mara, Luke, Leia and Han left for camp as Vader and Jacen watched eagerly, hoping they would get some more of the delicious serving.  
  
It seemed that Jaina was getting annoyed at all the spiders crawling around her, and at any given moment, the onlookers could have betted that she would lose. Itching and sweating, she was a done deal. Or so it seemed.  
  
Anakin was shaking his head uncontrollably as he burst through the box, shaking off spiders. Jaina smiled in victory, though she knew her brother would get the fried chicken. She, on the other hand, would get the yacht.  
  
She climbed out too, more than joyful that this ordeal was over. Wearily, she stumbled toward her siblings and grandfather as she dried her sweat off and smacked another spider, which fell off her back. A cold shower would make her torment worth the wait.  
  
***  
  
"I'm glad that's over," Anakin complained, still licking the sides of his mouth, the chicken's aftertaste still lingering.  
  
"Too bad you didn't win, though," Jacen remarked.  
  
"That's fine with me. That food was great."  
  
"So was the prime rib, or whatever they call it."  
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."  
"Come on, Little Brother. Mom and Dad must be wondering who won by now."  
  
***  
  
"Paradise, I tell you." Jaina slumped onto her bed, on which she would be sleeping for two nights. She took a hot shower, then started devouring the food set. Soon she was sleeping soundly, dreaming of spiders. Er, okay, um, winning. Yeah. That should be better.  
  
Being and training in the military wasn't half as bad as she thought. It did come in handy.  
  
***  
  
TWO NIGHTS AND THREE DAYS LATER. WELL, TECHNICALLY THE DAY AFTER THE THIRD DAY.  
  
"We've got mail, guys." Mara announced, which prompted everyone to gather around her. "It says we have to find a partner."  
They decided to pick lots, and almost everyone was satisfied with the outcome. Mara and Han (team A), Luke and Vader Team B), Leia and Jaina (team C). The last pair, however, Jacen and Anakin (team D, duh), frowned when their names were picked by the other. Sibling rivalry can go a long way, if you know what I mean.  
  
***  
  
"Welcome to the immunity challenge. You've got three teams, the team that wins this game will win what I call `double' immunity. That means BOTH of you will get immunity in this challenge. All clear?"  
  
Simultaneous nods and replied were grumbled.  
  
"Okay. Because of my author powers, I am able to become technologically advanced in my fics. There are four boats here. You must maneuver them using voice commands. Each boat is equipped to recognize only your voice or your teammate's. You must work together, or else you boat will stop if you say the opposite of what your teammate will say. You are allowed to say `right, left, faster, or slower' only.  
  
"On your marks, get set, go."  
  
And the race was on. Jar Jar was cheering in the background. "Go! Teamsa winning!"  
  
Yells overlapped others. Anakin's and Jacen's were ahead, followed team C, then A, then B.  
  
Like I said before, I am a terribly lazy author. So I'm just gonna tell you who won.  
  
Guess.  
  
Go on, guess!  
  
Yep. You're right. Just as it was in Survivor Africa when Frank and Brandon were paired up, the rivaling brothers won. Luke and Vader could not finish the race, due to their unsynchronized control. Rather, out of control.  
  
"You all know what's coming up. Tribal Council."  
  
***  
  
"Go on. Vote."  
  
Each one held up their vote to the camera and revealed who they voted for.  
  
Jacen: "Sorry, Aunt Mara. But you're too athletic, and, well, you're a threat."  
Anakin: "I'd vote for Jacen, but I can't. So here it is, Grandpa."  
  
Mara: "Han, you don't really do anything around the camp, so there."  
  
Leia: "Sorry, Dad. But you've got to go. You're breathing is very annoying."  
Vader: "Han. My son-in-law. A bum, really."  
  
Jaina: "Uh, I'm really sorry about this Dad. I hope you never find out and you still let me pilot the Falcon.  
  
Luke: "Mara told me to vote for you, Han. And I am really annoyed with you calling me a kid and everything."  
  
Han: "Hi. I voted for Mara."  
  
"So here it is, Survivors. Four votes Han, two votes each for Mara and Vader. Sorry, Han."  
  
Han scratched his head, pecked Leia and the cheek then smiled at his kids. He took his torch and saluted to his fellow tribesmates. "It's been fun, guys. Besides, you're all related to me somehow, so I'll just eat at your celebration dinner." He flashed a lopsided grin, then reminded, "I'm gonna be on the jury with Bob and Chewie. I'll be watching."  
  
The author was smiling. "Well, I guess that was a very cheerful goodbye. Bob is not available because he said he has some business to attend to. We're replacing him with Gavin."  
Jaina scowled.  
  
"Next Tribal Council, we'll be having Gavin, Han and Chewbacca here. Watching. As Austin Powers put it, `oh, behave, baby!"  
  
"Who's Austin Powers?" Luke asked.  
  
***  
  
So there. Hope you enjoyed that chapter. I'm working on chapter Twelve, so I still want those suggestions for reward/ immunity challenges. Don't forget to post who you want to win, too. Most importantly, REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!  
  
***  
  
Completed 2/ 11/ 02 (Feb. 11, 2002) 


	12. Madness

*** 

CHAPTER TWELVE: The Biggest Battle Ever 

*** 

Author's Note: I need your suggestions for those challenges! Please forgive me for not updating recently. I have been immensely busy the past months. Anyway, here it is. 

*** 

CUE IMPERIAL MARCH 

"Aaaaanaaaakiiiin Skyyywaaaaaaalkerrrrrrr!" 

"What? I was just having some fun." 

"Get back into the fic, Darth Vader." 

"Yeah, yeah. Gee, can't a Sith have any fun these days?" 

"No." 

"Fine, fine. Bantha fodder."  
END IMPERIAL MARCH 

"Better?" 

"Yeah. Anyhow" 

"Ahem?" 

"What now, Sith Dude?" 

The dark side ruler pointed to himself. 

"Must I do everything?" The author snapped her fingers and Vader materialized into the fic. "To the rest of you, on the last episode of our exciting series, Han Solo was betrayed by many as he proved to be the 'weakest link'. The author, who is me, now has writer's block. Enjoy." 

*** 

"Hope Dad isn't too mad over being voted off," Anakin remarked, kicking the dirt at his feet. 

"You voted for him?" Jaina asked in feigned innocence. 

"Naw. I was just wondering. That's all." 

Mara joined the pair, cradling a hot mug of what smelled like hot chocolate. "What do guys think of the jury?" 

"You mean Dad, Chewie and" Jaina hesitated, then continued, sarcasm evident in her voice. "Colonel Gavin?" 

"Yeah." 

Anakin scratched his head. "Well, I just hope I haven't done anything to wrong them." 

"Guilty," Jaina said softly, anger rising. 

"Give it up, honey," Mara soothed. "No use keeping a grudge." 

"Easier said than done." 

"I agree," Anakin said, thinking of Jacen. 

Leia arrived, taking a spot by Mara. "Good morning."  
"Morning," the trio replied. 

Anakin checked his chronometer. "Aren't you supposed to call your boyfriend, Jaina?" 

"Don't start on me, Little Brother." 

"What?" Anakin spread out his palms in innocence. "What did I do this time?" 

Jaina rolled her eyes. Mara and Leia were grinning when Jacen walked over. "Morning," he said groggily. 

"Morning," the all said. 

"Well?" Anakin asked, returning to where he left off. "Aren't you?" 

Jaina shook her head and sighed. "Mind your own business, bro." 

"Can't do that, sister. Annoying you IS my business." 

"Okay, break it up, kids," Leia interjected. "No use in arguing." 

"Yes, Mom," they both said in unison. 

Jaina got up and walked to her tent and retrieved her satellite phone. "Told you so," Anakin whispered to Jacen, Mara and Leia. His brother snickered; the women seemed to understand. 

Jaina seemed to hear them when she looked at them and scowled. "I'd use some Force lightning on you if I could." 

"When did you learn that?" Jacen asked as his twin approached. 

"When Anakin died."  
"Hey!" Anakin said, obviously hurt. 

"Dude, we all know you died, okay?"  
"Yeah," Anakin scoffed, "thanks for reminding me I'm a walking dead guy." 

"Couldn't have said it better myself." 

"Anyway," Jacen said sarcastically, "you really used the Dark Side?" 

"Yeah. I thought you read Star by Star. Traitor's out now, you know." Jaina shrugged. "And this time it's all about YOU." She pointed to her twin who held his hands up in mock surrender. 

"Isn't my fault I'm so loved." 

"Riiiiiiight." Anakin got up, shaking his head. 

*** 

"Mom's getting voted off tonight," Jacen whispered. 

"What?" Anakin shut off Boba Fett's Game Boy. "What?" 

"I told you. Mom's getting voted off." 

"How sure are you I'm not voting YOU off?" Anakin raised a questioning eyebrow. 

"Because if you do, little brother," he replied sweetly, "I'm telling a certain blonde someone about that little pink dress incident fifteen years ago." 

"Manipulative blackmailing brother," he muttered. 

"Why thank you. You can continue playing uh... Whatever you're playing. What're you playing anyway?" 

"Star Wars Episode Two, see?" 

"Hey, I wanna see!" 

"No, I'm playing it!" 

"Well, it's not really yours!" 

"Boba gave it to me!" 

"Oh so you're friends now are you?" 

"Exactly. So if you don't want a huge bounty put on your head, you might as well go away and leave me alone." 

"Fine, fine. Stupid blackmailing little brother." 

"Jinx!" Anakin suddenly yelled. 

'What?" 

"Jinx!" He repeated. "That's what you say when someone reapeats what you just said." 

"Weird little brother. It's a wonder I put up with you, you know." Jacen shook his head and was about to leave, when Anakin yelled after him. 

"It's a wonder I put up with you!" 

"Jinx!" 

"Huh. Beaten at my own game. Figures. Oh look, now Dooku killed me!" 

"Isn't my fault you decided to play grandpa." 

"Hey, that's a great idea! I'll get Grandpa to play this! He'll know how to defeat Dooku! I just can't get past these droids!" 

"Call Threepio. He might help." 

"Did anyone request for my availment?" A familiar voice asked from beyond the tent entrance. "I am glad to be of service, Master Ana-" 

"Someone shut him up!" Jaina yelled from outside. 

"Shutting up Mi-" The voice was cut off... Thankfully. 

*** 

In a little hut the other side of the island, sat those who had been eliminated. The jury members, watching a TV of their former fellow Survivors, all sat attentively. Gavin, Chewie and Han each had a different expression on their faces--Gavin was curious, Chewie was bored, and Han looked like he needed to go to the bathroom. 

"So Jacen's the little plotter, I see," Gavin muttered. 

"Roar!" 

"That's my boy," Han murmured. "Does anyone know where the refreshers are? I have to go really bad." 

"I don't think there are any refreshers here," Gavin replied. "Just a hole in the ground." 

Han's face twisted into a disgusted look. "I've been through worse things. Gotta run." 

"Reeear!" 

"No, Chewie, you cannot come with me even if you have a life debt or something." 

"Grrar?"  
"Well, I don't think anyone's going to attack me while I'm going, okay? So there." 

Chewie roared the equivalent of a "Fine, be that way." 

As Han left another figure entered, that of Kyp Durron. 

"How are you doing, Colonel Darklighter?" He asked. 

"Uh -- what are you doing here, Kyp?" Gavin inquired, raising an eyebrow. 

"I'm going to ask Jaina to marry me!" 

"Uh--" Gavin was on the brink of either laughing or puking; it was hard to tell which. "Uh--" 

"Yep. I'm asking her to marry me." 

"But doesn't she have a boyfriend or something? That Chiss dude? Jagged Fel?" 

"Oh, Not to mind him," Kyp was smiling like a lovesick fool when another tall figure entered the hut. 

He was panting and sweating, but was clutching a small box in his hand. 

"Why, hello there, Kyp." Jag's voice was stronger than everyone expected. "How are things?" 

"Things are going very well for me, indeed. May I ask, what brings you here, my friend?" 

"Shut up with the pleasantries, Durron," Jag suddenly sneered, his expression changing dramatically. "She's mine." 

Kyp laughed, but it came out more of a snort. "You're mistaken, Colonel. In fact, I was just about to ask her to marry me." 

It was at this moment that Han enters the scene. 

"What's going on here...?" 

Chewie looked at him pathetically as Gavin's smirk provided even more insight into the situation... 

"Uh, what are you two doing here?" 

"Why, General Solo," Jagged immediately took his hand and shook it. "Pleasure to see you again. I was just about to--" 

Han gave him a weird look as Kyp struggled from bursting with laughter. 

"Uh, Jag, not to spoil your day, but I just went to the bathroom, and well, I didn't wash my hands yet--" 

Jag's face twisted into a horrified stare. 

"Hi, Han," Kyp greeted cheerily. "I just came by for a visit, and Colonel Fel seemed happy to come along..." 

"Okay, uh, why exactly are you two here?" 

Silence ensued. 

"Uh, can anyone answer my question?" 

"Actually," Gavin interjected, "these young men where about to ask your daughter's hand in marriage." 

"WHAT?!" 

Kyp and Jag winced in unseen pain and horror. 

"Isn't that grand? These two young, wonderful men are seeking to marry..." 

"I understand quite well, Gavin," Han was fuming, and you didn't need to have the Force to tell that he was very mad. "What is the meaning of this?" 

Once again, silence ensued. 

"I asked a question. Someone give me a good answer." 

Kyp cleared his throat. "Ah, yes. Actually, I was meaning to ask you just now--" 

"Actually, I was meaning to ask you right now," Jag interrupted, "If--" 

"I was talking here!" Kyp stormed angrily. 

"Isn't anger of the dark side or something?" 

"Don't bug me with Jedi philosophies. I can burn you to a crisp right now if I wanted to!"  
"Then why don't you, all powerful Jedi Master Kyp Durron?" 

"Now wait a minute," Han raised his voice to catch the two mens' attention. "No one is burning anyone else, okay? And no one is marrying my daughter either!" 

"But Han, let's be realistic," Gavin tried to say. "Your daughter is growing up. She needs someone." 

"She has enough people, Gavin," Han replied quickly. "And I'm not letting two immature, irresponsible--" 

"Ahem. If I may, I am a Colonel." Jagged proudly heightened his stance as Kyp scowled. 

"And I am of course, a Jedi Master." 

"Uh, okay, wrong words then." Han shook his head. "Actually, you know, why don't you prove to me who deserves my daughter, eh? Then we'll see who's REALLY irresponsible and immature." 

Silence ensued again. 

"Sure." 

"Sounds fine to me." 

"Then let the battle begin," Han announced. 

*** 

TO BE CONTINUED 


	13. Rivalry

--- 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Survive or Die 

"Isn't that a tad too violent?" 

Me: What? Who're you? 

"I'm a censor. And according to your fic, this is a G-Rated literary work. So, that's too violent for younger viewers." 

Me: Do you think I care? 

"No, but according to the rules and regulations of..." 

Me: Get out of my fic!! 

"I'll have to remove this fic if there is questionable material in it." 

Me: There's no 'questionable' material in here! Get out! 

"All right, if you insist." 

Me: Well, thank you. Now let me get back to writing this... 

*computer mysteriously crashes* 

Me: *muttering* Stupid censors. 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Survive or Get Voted Off (A/N: Duh) 

"Now that's _much_ better, thank you." 

Me: Fine. Happy? 

"Yes. Very well. Carry on." 

Me: *grumbles* 

--- 

CUE SURVIVOR MUSIC 

Jeft Proast: I have no idea what happened in the previous chapter, so let's just get this done... 

END SURVIVOR MUSIC 

--- 

While the Kyp Durron and Jagged Fel controversy fluffed up at the other side of the island, we check back to our remaining Survivors. 

br 

"Are you crazy?" Jaina asked her twin in a forced whisper. "I'm _not_ voting mom off, Jacen. Who do you think _you_ are telling people who to vote for?" 

"Hey, it's me!" Jacen whispered back. "Fine, don't vote for mom. Who are you voting for, then?" 

Jaina raised her eyebrow, pasted a knowing grin on her face and shook her head. "I'm not telling.And you can't use the Force to find out either." 

She left the tent, and Jacen felt a surge of anger fly ou of him. Literally. 

And anger sure was stinky. 

--- 

"No, no, give me that!" Darth Vader took the Game Boy from Anakin. "I know what to do!" 

"Hey!" Anakin yelled. "That's mine! Give it back!" 

"Just this level, I know how to destroy those doors, see? You go over here..." 

As Anakin watched with curiosity at what his grandfather was doing, Mara entered the tent. 

"What are you two boys doing?" She asked. 

She could get nothing out of them but grunts. 

"Uh, I just asked, what are two doing here?" Annoyance tugged at her. 

Still nothing but grunts. 

Boys will be boys... But in this case, the two were boys playing a Game Boy. 

Mara left the tent chuckling at the two, when she noticed Jaina was out another tent. 

"Anything wrong, Jaina?" She asked, trying to be helpful. 

"Nope. Jacen just told me to vote Mom off, that's all." 

"Manipulative little brother, huh?"  
"Exactly." 

"We can see to that." Mara started whispering in her ear, and Jaina smiled. 

--- 

AT THE JURORS' SIDE OF THE ISLAND 

Han started to shake his head again. "Okay, forget it. No one is marrying Jaina. Just forget this whole thing. You two can go home." 

Kyp and Jag both dropped their jaws. 

"But Han!" 

"Han, please reconsider!"  
"No, I will _not_ reconsider, Jag. In fact, I think I've made the right decision. _No one is marrying my daughter!_" As he repeated that phrase with more conviction this time than the last time, the young men both winced. 

Someone entered the hut. 

"Who goes there?" Han asked, a bit too harshly than he expected. 

Another dark haired, green eyed young man appeared. 

"Not you too!" Han sighed in frustration. "Out! All of you! Out! You're all crazy!" 

Gavin stood to mediate. "Relax, Han, buddy, maybe you should let Jaina decide." 

"Okay, _you're_ crazy too, Gavin! How many times must a father repeat this? I am _not_ letting _anyone_ marry my daughter, in fact, I don't plan on letting anyone _date_ my daughter anytime soon! So if any you have been kissing up to Jaina, you're going to have to answer to me!" 

Jag winced, quickly enough for Han not to notice. 

Chewie roared something softly, grabbing Han's attention. 

"You're right, Chewie. Maybe I shouldn't be _too_ hard on these boys." Han gave them an uneasy grin. "Besides, you're all just boys, aren't you? So all right then, all of you, leave, while you have the chance." 

He gave them his infamous grin, threatening and determined, and the three young men slowly back away from the towering Solo. 

Outside the hut, Kyp and Jag argued. 

"Why in all Sith did you come here? I warned you, Fel, you spoiled _everything_!" 

"Hey, it was _my_ idea to come here and propose, _Durron_." Jag spit the name out with all the arrogance and disgust he could muster. 

"Arrogant little monkey-lizard." 

"She's _my_ girl, Durron, So get out of my--" 

Han's still-angry voice bellowed from inside the hut. "She belongs to _neither_ of you!" 

Kyp's face boasted an arrogant grin as Jag clasped his fingers into a knuckle. "Why you..." 

Zekk intervened. "None of you are acting like real men." 

"Who brought you into this?" Someone asked. A fist was the last thing Zekk saw. 

--- 

"Hold it!" Came the little censor voice. 

Me: "Whaaaaaaaat is it?" 

"That is _too_ violent for a G-rated fic!!" 

Me: *scowling* Stay out of this! It's part of the plot! 

"Well, it doesn't have to be _this _violent." 

Me: Sorry, too late, he's unconcious. 

"You could get sued for this, you know." 

Me: I have a disclaimer. First page. Check it. 

"Fine, fine. Just tone it down, would you?" 

Me: Looks like I have no choice. 

"Good, good. Carry on." 

--- 

The immunity challenge was coming up, and so as the survivors neared the clearing (which just happened to be on the Jurors' side too), Jeft spoke with the author. 

"I want to quit this job," he groaned miserably. "It's boring, annoying, and I always get mosquito bites." 

"Fine, go ahead, but you won't get any bathroom priveleges for a month." 

"That's cruel. Wht even makes you think you can even do that to me? 

"I created you, Proast. You have no choice." 

"Oh yeah. I forgot." He scratched his head and sighed. "Fine, fine, fine. Let's just get this over with." 

"Now that's a good host. Later." 

br 

"All right, Survivors, here's the thing. You have fifteen seconds to finish this pie." Jeft showed off a huge hunk of blueberry goodness. "Whoever has it finished first wins. Go." 

It became a scramble to finish first. Vader's shiny black helmet was smeared with it while Luke led the pack. Mara, Leia and Jaina were doing a pretty good job. Anakin was sorta choking while he tried to finish the Tatooine level on his Game Boy. Jacen was almost halfway through when... 

A loud buzzer sounded. 

"And the winner is..." 

Jeft inspected the pies. 

"Luke! Well, good job, Jedi master! Didn't know you had it in you." 

"Actually," he replied, "I don't think it'll stay in me very long." His cheeks puffed up and he got off his chair as fast as he could. 

"Eww," was all Jacen could whisper. 

--- 

At Tribal Council that night, Anakin was playing the Game Boy Advance Boba Fett had given him, and Vader was trying to help his gradson battle some droids. 

"Okay, attention please, people!" Jeft announced. "Luke wins immunity, even if he barfed the pie out, our judges counted it. As always, here are our three judges, ever keeping an eye on all of you. So anyone want to say a few words or anything?" 

Everyone shook their heads. 

"Good. Jaina, you're up first." 

--- 

Jaina: "Sorry bro, but your bossing around and stuff gets really annoying. So there. Sorry." 

Mara: "Better luck next time, uh, Dad." 

Luke: "Uh Dad, I hope you don't hurt me with your Force grip or anything but, yeah, whatever." 

Jacen: "Mom, this is all in the interest of winning." 

Anakin: (while playing Game Boy) "Jacen told me to vote for Mom, so here it is." 

Leia: "Jacen, dear, this is all diplomatic things. Sorry, son." 

--- 

"I'll tally the votes." Jeft returned just as quickly as he left. "First vote, Jacen. Second vote, D. Vader, third vote, Jacen, fourth, Leia, fifth, Anakin Skywalker, sixth, Mom. Looks like a three-way deadlock. In times of crisis such as these, we have a special three sided coin!" 

Jeft gave them all a pathetic look. "Okay, so maybe not, but play another rock paper scissors thing." 

Leia's rock beat Jacen's scissors, but Vader's scissors beat Jacen's paper in the next play. 

Jacen reluctantly took his torch and made his way to the Grim Reaper, a.k.a. Jeft. The host shrugged sympathetically and covered Jacen's flame. 

"Final five, good luck. You'll need it." 

--- 


End file.
